Putting on the first bathing suit of the summer can be a traumatic experience. Dimples appear in places they shouldn’t. Untanned thighs look like tapioca pudding. Stomachs pouch. Chests sag. It’s enough to make us pray for winter.
Instead, I’ve lowered my expectations.
Forget the bikinis or tankinis. I’m going for the old-lady garb. You know, the brightly colored suits with the little skirts that take attention away from the lower body. Hey, my arms are still in shape. And, with that low-cut front, you might even think I’ve got cleavage.
I’ve also instituted a better exercise regime. This is especially important since most of my day is spent at home, on my butt, in front of a computer. In addition to Tae Kwon Do, I’ve started swimming. Alas, from all the articles I’ve read — and charts I’ve studied — housework isn’t worth the effort. If it doesn’t burn enough calories, I’m not interested.
I’ve cut down on caffeine and increased my fresh veggie intake. I’m religious about wearing a hat/cap outdoors and no longer sunbathe at midday.
But what’s it all for? We all know the ultimate outcome of every good piece of "healthy" — a.k.a. "cardboard"– food consumed, every extra step taken, every scotch unsipped and every positive thought thought.
Sooner or later, we’ll all end up like Agatha Christie, Edgar Allen Poe and Sir Walter Conan Doyle — in the ground or mausoleum, on a mantle or scattered on a mountain top.
Fear not, my lovelies. There’s good news even as we face this most mortal reality.
I present to you . . . the Cadaver Calculator. Yes, it’s true. (Mystery writers: I call "dibs" on the obvious storylines.)
Go on. See how much your body is really worth. You just need to answer 20 tiny questions.
I came in at a little more than $4000.
What about you?
Don’t Forget!!!!! Ken Bruen is on the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson TONIGHT. I bet this blog is going to be abuzz with delight tomorrow morn.
Joining you at over $4,000. What a nice start to my week 😉
On some level, it’s appalling. But, on another, more perverse one, it’s kind of fun.
I love finding ways to measure my worth ; )I came in at $4,250. I don’t know how, considering.
Great storyline idea, too.
I wondered about putting the calculator up –if it’d be too much of a downer for a Monday. But, hey, it’s all in your perspective.
J.T., I’m glad I called “dibs.” 😉
I think I’d better stay alive and keep writing. My advance is still worth more than my dead body.
Thanks for the pick me up… 🙁
Ah, come on, guys . . .
If you come in low–that just means you’ve done alot of living. Louise, I won’t tell you how my body’s worth compares with those hefty advances from a university press.
If you come in high–consider it life insurance, um, in a really twisted way. No need to pay that monthly fee. Whee.
Okay, I came in at $4680. Not bad, a bit of a surprise.
So now, if I can sell my cadaver on spec, I can pay for my upcomign commitment ceremony. You gotta find the bright side, right?
What a great little site, Pari! Thanks!
I’m sure it’s a fun test but I hate math and would prefer to keep thinking of my body as priceless.
It seems to work for most people, anyway, and I like it.
Of course you can check back with me when I’m trying to squeeze into these Thrillerfest costumes this week!
Congrats on the commitment ceremony, Fran! This might be one of those ideas like the viaticals that Simon writes about.
Alex, the test doesn’t involve any math on your part! Not one iota. Actually, I’d love to know what your body comes in at; I suspect it would be darn high.
Have a blast at Thrillerfest!
$4265 — hmmmmm.
Alex says: “I hate math and would prefer to keep thinking of my body as priceless.
It seems to work for most people, anyway,”
MUST! RESIST! STRAIGHT LINE! MUST! RESIST! STRAIGHT LINE!
I’m worth 4 grand even, by the way.
J.D.,How come I’m worth more than you? That’s disturbing.
As to Alex and the perfect body, well, um . . .
probably just as well you resisted.
B.G.,That sounds like a nice round amount. Kind of puts a new slant on things, doesn’t it?
Okay, I just watched the Ken Bruen interview. Very cool!
Wow, I’m worth $5390. Could pay for a sememster for one of my kids in college. Don’t know what they value, but I’m fat, take a lot of painkillers, and have long hair 🙂
It was great to see Ken, wasn’t it? I just wish he’d had more time with Craig; it would have been even more fun.
Lois,Wow. Maybe a tremendously “healthy” lifestyle can actually be a deficit in the ultimate market. Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?