oh, the things they don’t teach in school

by Toni McGee Causey

I broke my brain this week. So for lighter fare, here are 

random observations on the little things that might save y’all
some trouble:

1) Nothing
good will ever come from someone saying, “Hey, I think this has gone bad. Taste
it and see.”

2) “I
couldn’t even do this if I was sober,” is probably not a great thing to say to an
officer.

a. Or
on your first date.

3) If
you have to check off, “Have been recently committed for mental instability” on
the form, they’re probably not going to let you buy the gun.

a. Unfortunately,
that’s not true of you asking, “Now which way do the bullets go?”

4) The
very toddler who rarely speaks to tell you when he needs to go to the restroom
will be the child who will shout at the top of his voice that, “MOMMY I HAVE TO
GO POOOPOOO NOW.”

a. While
in a department store.

b. During
Christmas rush.

c. When
you’ve finally made it to the cash register.

5) This
is the same child who’ll be mortified by your clothes when you go to his sporting
events.

a. You
will be tempted to wear the ugliest shirt known to man.

b. Go
for it.

6) The
likelihood of you hearing the words “Mom! I can’t find the snake!” is greatly
increased when you’re on the toilet.

7) “The
bridge is out” sign is probably not a suggestion.

8) The
person who tells you up front that he or she is an asshole is probably in the
best position to know. Listen.

9) Someone
is going to notice when you try to steal a pool table if you strap that sucker
to the top of your car.

10) Those
wacky IRS agents might take exception to you addressing your return to: Ha ha,
you bastards.

Okay, your turn: random observations of something dumb that people
do.

~*~

WINNER FROM LAST WEEK — Julie P. !!

Like last week, I put the names in a hat and
my neighbor chose. So Julie, please email me at toni [dot] causey [at]
gmail [dot] com with your
address and I’ll get your signed copies mailed out to you this week!

(A SEPARATE CONTEST running on my personal BLOG today — for a $15 B & N certificate, plus a "shuck me, suck me, eat me raw" t-shirt – through tomorrow, only. Check it out here.)

16 thoughts on “oh, the things they don’t teach in school

  1. max

    Wow the book contest is still running? I thought this was over in May. Okay for sure this is my turn to win so here goes.

    Reply
  2. Kaye Barley

    Toni. You’re so funny.A random observation about dumb things people do will have to come a little later though. I want to try to think of one that doesn’t have my name attached to it. BUT!!! I hope you’ll excuse me for jumping in here with other news.CONGRATULATIONS MURDERATI GANG on your Anthony Nomination for Best Web Site.How very cool is that??!Hugs all around!

    Reply
  3. Becky LeJeune

    When the instructions say to wear appropriate footwear, you should probably listen.

    Oh yeah, and that happened the same day I was reading Bobbie Faye – don’t I feel dumb!

    Reply
  4. Pari Noskin Taichert

    Kaye,Thank you! I’m stunned. Tomorrow’s blog will be about it if I’m sane enough by then.

    Toni,Here’s one:We have an oversized domino set where each wooden rectangle is at least five inches long, two wide and one thick. In boldface on the box, we’re cautioned that these may be a chocking hazard.

    Yeah, well, maybe if you’re a camel.

    Reply
  5. JDRhoades

    The phrase, “I know this isn’t considered politically correct” actually means “I am trying to make being an asshole sound edgy and daring.”

    Not original with me, but:

    If your significant other says “I think we should see other people,” they already are.

    Reply
  6. JT Ellison

    Many thanks for all the congrats — we’re appropriately awed by the Anthony nomination…

    I’m no good with the quips — I’ll leave that to our resident funnybones, Toni : )

    Reply
  7. Pammy D

    I’m 49 years old.

    Last week a 23 year old actress who’s blonde and a size minus 4 informed me she’s writing her “memoirs”.

    My 80 year old neighbor who’s trying to convince me to cut down a tree. Her concluding thoughts – “Don’t you wished you lived in a Retirement Home?” No. Condo.

    Congrats on the book, Toni. Do come visit for a rousing game of shuffleboard sometime soon.

    Reply
  8. Frab

    I used to use statements like these with my acting students, telling them to watch the ordinary stupid things people do. Like continuing to flip the light switch when the light doesn’t come on. Or reaching down with a hand to test the swimming pool water after sticking a toe in and discovering it’s cold. It what, warmed up in that 3 seconds?

    And if you ever want to watch crowd mentality? Stop in the middle of the street and stare into the sky. Others will stop and stare — and keep staring. Eventually one of ’em is going to say, “Oh yeah, I see it.”

    And Toni, just so’s ya know, I ordered a copy of “Bobbie Faye” for me to read, but I wasn’t there when it came in.

    JB sold it. Right away.

    I’ve got another one coming, but I thought you’d get a kick out of knowing that we can’t keep it in the shop!

    Reply

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