They Drove Me to Drugs

by Rob

I blame it all on Costco.

You, see, there was a time when I didn’t need drugs to survive.  Yes, I smoked pot when I was younger—but who didn’t?—and I may have dabbled a bit with chemical substances, but for most of my life I’ve been pretty straight. I can’t stand cigarettes and I’ve consumed enough alcohol in my life to maybe fill a bucket.

But, you see, my wife Leila and I go to Costco almost every Sunday (our big romantic getaway) and that damn snack bar drew me in with their Mocha Latte, which pretty much amounts to a coffee milkshake.

Drinking those ML’s every week became a ritual for us. We’d do our shopping, then swing by the snack bar and pick up a couple and head on over to the next shopping center, sucking on our straws as we drove.

The next thing I knew I was buying those coffee milkshake drinks at places like Starbucks, and pretty soon I was breaking out the blender to make my own, using the mocha latte mix I bought from—guess where?



Then, after getting a publishing deal, I suddenly had to write a new book and work a day job, and every morning I wound up dragging myself into the office feeling like crap warmed over. So what did I do?

Since I worked in a conference center, I started drinking the free coffee. Twice a day. Morning and afternoon.

Problem was, that coffee tasted like something that had been scraped out of the garbage can after sitting there moldering for a few days, and I knew I had to find something better.

I stopped buying the fancy latte drinks altogether and invested in a very cheap coffee maker. A four-cupper that made a halfway decent pot. And when you have a coffee maker, you have to have coffee, so I went to Trader Joe’s and started buying their beans and grinding them in the store grinder.

But, of course, why grind them at the store when you can grind them at home? So I bought a cheap burr grinder and a bag of beans and started making my own grinds.  Sometimes I would blend beans to get the taste just the way I liked it.

Medium roast. Cream. Sugar. That’s what I craved.

Until my buddy Bill Cameron mentioned that the best cup of coffee you can get is by using a French press. I had no clue what that was, but I went in search of one anyway, carefully followed the instructions and—

—oh my god, it was amazing. Bill had not lied. There was even a little bit of grit at the bottom that I just loved. And say goodbye to medium roast, this shit was strooooooong.

So now it was French press on weekdays and an Americano (a shot of cappuccino with hot water) when I was out and about, and I finally had to admit it to myself:

I was a full-fledge coffeeholic.

Problem was, Americano’s were expensive and that French press was just a pain in the ass to wash. All those coffee grounds everywhere? Yuck.

I needed another solution.  So, there I was in Costco and I see they have a special price on the machine Alafair talked about a few days back, a super duper deluxe Keurig one-cup coffee maker.  Just pop in the pre-made cup, pour in some water (and you don’t have to pour it in every time!) and presto! you’ve got… well… you’ve got…

…a perfectly bland cup of coffee. Unless you set the thing on the lowest setting for the smallest cup, your coffee tastes like an Americano without the cappuccino.

I tried the boldest of bold coffees in that damn machine and just could not find a cup I liked. It was useless to me.

Not only that, Leila hated it, too. Not the coffee so much as the machine itself. The water light was always flashing, asking for the reservoir to be filled, and she was also concerned with the pure waste of using those tiny plastic cups every time you wanted coffee.

But we stuck with the machine. I used the little MyCup device that let you use your own grind. Unfortunately, it was messy as hell and just not worth the effort. I still couldn’t get a cup of coffee I liked out of it. I even tried some other contraption the Internet suckered me into buying and it was worthless.

Now I know there are a lot of people out there who absolutely love their Keurigs. But the Brownes? No so much. So after a month of experimenting—and a crapload of lousy coffee—back to Costco it went.

Now it was back to the French press while I hunted online for the perfect coffee maker. I found one for $250 at the Everything’s Kitchen website that uses the “steam” method of brewing, just like many Japanese coffee makers.  

That was the one for me! So I ordered it, only to discover that they were out of stock and I’d have to wait a month or so to actually get one. Sigh.

Then a few days later I was tooling around Fry’s when I came across a unit on sale.  

It was a Cuisinart 12-cup “on demand” model. Meaning it has no pot. The carafe built in and all you have to do is push a little lever on the front and fill your cup as if you’re using a watercooler.

I took this baby home and Leila and I instantly fell in love with it. Easy to use, easy to clean, makes lots of coffee and is actually kind of fun. Plus the coffee stays hot without sitting on a burner, so there’s no burnt taste after a couple hours.

Every morning, when I fill my cup, if I close my eyes and pretend, I kinda feel like I’m in a restaurant.  

Until the cup overflows and I burn myself.

In the end, of course, I remain a diehard coffee addict. I still only drink two cups a day, but I couldn’t do without them—even though my day job is now sitting right here at this desk and writing ten hours a day.

In the morning, I grind my beans (dark roast, thank you), brew the coffee, draw a cup, put in two teaspoons of sugar and a dollop of half and half and I’m good for the morning.

And it’s all because of you, Costco.

Thank you.


So what about you guys?  Coffee drinkers?  Strong?  Sugar?  Cream? And what kind of coffee maker do you swear by?


48 thoughts on “They Drove Me to Drugs

  1. Reine

    Rob, I love this. I love coffee. I love it fresh. I mean really fresh. Brewed one cup at a time. Dripped into a preheated cup. Dark. Cream. Sugar. Sunday brings son P-Wog with a shot of espresso. He dumps that in my coffee. Calls it a red eye. It's gooood. He says he learned it in the navy. I don't believe him. He just hangs out at Starbucks a lot. Doesn't want to admit it. No. Not to me. Not after making fun of my Starbucks addiction. But hey, he's a good kid.

  2. Zoë Sharp

    Hey Rob

    I'm a Brit, so I'm more of a tea drinker – Earl Grey, real leaves not bags, in BOILING water, thank you very much.

    But I do like the occasional coffee – made in a cafetière, not too bitter, with cream rather than milk.

    Most of the time when I'm writing, though, I drink chilled water with a shot of tonic. Works for me…

  3. kit

    worked medical night shift for many years….BUNN all the way…straight forward, no fuss, no muss..and french roast coffee..creamy …if i want desert with dark choc dipped biscotti.
    When i wanted a bit of the dog that bit me….Bailey's Irish Cream.

  4. J.D. Rhoades

    My grandpa, a former long haul truck driver, taught me that the only way to drink coffee was strong and black ("If you wanted a cup of cream and sugar, why'd you ask for coffee?") To this day, I feel vaguely guilty putting any sugar in at all, let alone cream.

    But it was working overnight shifts in radio got me hooked. I can't get started now without a couple of cups, and I usually have a cup in hand while walking to the courthouse.

  5. PK the Bookeemonster

    I have only one cup of coffee a day, in the morning, sweet with Irish Cream. That's it for the caffeine. I don't even drink pop except every once in a great while. I hate caffeine headaches. So I try to drink a lot of water each day. Boring, I know.

  6. toni mcgee causey

    I will preface this by saying I'm not a coffee drinker. But here in the deep South, they practically worship Community Coffee, a local brand that will put most national namby pamby brands to shame. CC's will practically stand up and slap you, if it's made correctly, and my entire family are coffee aficionados.

    I grew up with everyone making coffee in the old porcelain French drip coffee pots. (I collect them: ). They're not quite the same thing as a French press (less mess), but it's not a speedy process. You put the grounds in (with a small filter, and most of the old people used cheesecloth or something similar), and then put the little metal lid on it and pour the water through the lid:

    Takes for freaking ever. (Said the child who was assigned the responsibility for making the stupid coffee every day.)

    My family still prefers that method. Carl hates most automated coffee pots for the same reason you do. We just bought a cheap GE one, though, that he says is actually pretty damned impressive. It has a charcoal filter for the water and a basket for the grinds (no paper filter needed, so you get the same effect as the French press without the mess).

    My son experimented with the French Press and loved it (but agrees, it's a lot of mess and not a quick way to make coffee.)

    They also tried mightily to get me to drink coffee and join them in their addiction. (I find there is nothing quite so evangelistic as a coffee drinker talking about coffee. <g>) I sort of wish I liked it on cold days, but hot cocoa will do just fine.

  7. debbie

    Zoë, I too drink more tea (leaves) than coffee. Funny but for years I heard British people making fun of the dust in tea bags. For coffee drinkers, this is akin to stale coffee in a paper cup. Tea shops are popular all of a sudden and I now have four blends of tea. Can have more hubby says, when I finish the tea bags…ugh.
    Rob, coffee…still experimenting. Don't enjoy burnt, weak, stale. Do like Bailey's Kahlua, cognac. They eliminate sugar and cream and make you feel a little naughty!

  8. billie

    I've had many kinds of machines but am now down to this simple ritual: grind beans, put in unbleached filter inside a filter holder, manually hold the filter holder over my coffee mug, and pour boiling water onto the ground beans, and wait for the coffee to "drip."

    If I want a second cup, I have to do the whole thing over again, but it is so good and so fresh I don't really mind.

  9. Brett Battles

    Like the alcohol you've consumed wouldn't even fill a pail, the amount of coffee I've drank in my life wouldn't even fill a standard coffee pot. My addiction, as you know, is Diet Dr. Pepper. As I write this, it's 5:47 a.m. and I've already finished my first one of the day.

    It's a problem.

  10. hollygee

    I make lattes with a stovetop espresso maker and milk steamer for my one BIG cup of coffee a day. The rest of the day, Steve makes his cups with the Melitta one cup drip method.

  11. TerriMolina

    I remember Community Coffee, Toni!!! My brother (who lives in Illinois) occasionally has it sent to him because it's his favorite.
    I've been drinking coffee since I was….well my earliest memory of fixing a cup is around age 10…but I wouldn't be surprised if I drank it in a bottle. Not that I drank full on coffee at that age, it started as flavor for my milk (because I hate milk) and gradually became more coffee than milk. I can't function without that first cup of coffee in the morning…I worship the guy who inevented the timer!!
    A couple of years ago I bought a "hands free" coffee maker, which I <b>love</b>. I was never picky about the coffee brand that went into it and always bought Folgers (French Roast), but my husband prefers Starbucks, so that's what we buy now. I drink an equivalent of six cups every morning (it's the size of my mug) and my husband drinks two cups at home and several at work. Two of my four kids have started drinking coffee (I'm so proud…hah) but they like the flavored creamer, I'm a non-dairy creamer person (and sweetner as opposed to sugar).
    We're planning to buy a new coffeemaker this year and that picture you posted looks cool, I'm going to have to hunt it down. But for now, time to refill my mug. =)

  12. Karen in Ohio

    Reine, a coffee with a shot is called a redeye at Starbucks; at Caribou Coffee the same drink is called a depth charge.

    Stephen, medium roast actually has more caffeine than dark; light roast has the most of all. FYI.

    My daughter and son-in-law lived in London for nine months, and they invited me to visit and stay with them in their corporate flat. The single best thing about the flat–next to the view of the London Eye, the Gherkin, and the trains going in and out of Victoria–was the built-in espresso maker in the kitchen. It had its own water supply, and a couple of pounds of beans stored inside. Press a button for one, two, or three espresso servings, wait a minute or two, and nirvana. Fortunately, my daughter doesn't drink coffee, so we had no need to share. lol

    I've been trying various methods of brewing coffee lately, since my beloved Melitta Grind 'N Brew is limping along, and I'm afraid it's going to self-combust at any minute. The little Melitta one-cup filter is great, but it requires waiting for the water to boil each time you want a cup. I use the gold filter, instead of the paper ones, for less waste.

    Then there is the Bialetti Moka Pot. It doesn't make espresso, exactly (no crema), but it does make extraordinarily strong coffee which requires half hot water added to a cup. And it's very cool, like a science experiment, since the water in the bottom chamber completely transfers itself to the top one. This site shows how to use one: Best tip: mound up the last bit of grounds for a good seal.

  13. MJ

    How funny! We have a Keurig in our office kitchen and I'm always disappointed by it. It's turned me into even more of a tea drinker (so now I have about 8 bags from Upton in MA at the office, and another 8 from Upton at home).

  14. Gayle Carline

    I drink coffee, and I happen to be married to a black man, which means there's a joke in here I'm not going to touch, but you get the idea…

    I used to like a little coffee with my cream and sugar, but when my grandfather died, I spent three days drinking it unadorned at my grandmother's because I was just too upset to try to find the condiments. Now it has to be really bad coffee to make me dress it up so it's drinkable.

    Of course, my guilty pleasure is the egg nog latte at Starbuck's. But don't tell anybody.

  15. Eika

    I'm an odd person in this day and age; I can't stand coffee. The smell or the taste. While it works out well in some ways- particularly on my budget- I'm sleepy through enough of my mornings that it's not quite okay.

    My drink? Hot chocolate. Specifically, the Nestle mix that I haven't been able to find this winter at TWO DIFFERENT GROCERY stores. Substituting other types just isn't the same. But the hot chocolate has to be SPECIFIC.

    See, what you do is, you get a large mug, not thin, not small, but a good one. Then, you put in a small scoop of ice cream, roughly the size you get when you have an absolutely perfect scoop. It should sit in an almost perfect circle at the bottom of the cup, just touching one side, not big enough to touch all the way around. Put your normal amount of hot-chocolate mix into the cup, then add the hot water.

    The vanilla ice-cream makes it sweeter, creamier, creates an upper layer of froth, and makes an odd sensation so that every gulp has a cool just-out-of-the fridge top and a hot-hot-chocolate bottom that melds when you swallow. It's heaven.

  16. Dudley Forster

    Ah COFFEE – The elixir of life. I started drinking coffee at 13 and by the time I was 16 I took it black. In college I carried a thermos of it to class and drank a pot at home every day. But law school was where the habit really kicked in, the women’s law caucus provided free coffee (a long with the huge money maker of 5 dozen donuts a day that were gone by 8am). In the last semester of law school we had a drastic decrease in legal aid interns and our case load when up dramatically. At that time I as up to 40 cups a day, which is 10 short of the 50 cups recommended by Voltaire.

    As the concept of real, freshly ground and brewed coffee spread out from Seattle, I discovered how really good coffee could be. No more Boyd’s restaurant swill. I have become a coffee snob. I tried the French press but I too found it too messy, especially for the amount of coffee I drink. I now have a Krups’, cone filter coffeemaker with carafe. My oldest daughter works for Starbucks and she gets a free pound a coffee a week. Since they don’t drink much at home I have a direct supply to Starbucks. She has told me that I should trash my blade grinder and get a mill grinder so I would have extract control of the grind, but I am still using the trusty blade grinder. I can tell from the sound when the grind is right for cone drip.

    I’m not a fan of lattés but I will have the occasional mocha, the only exception to this, is eggnog lattés. nomnomnom… I love mocha frappuccinos; well I did until I found out that that a venti has over 1200 calories.

    Now to my favorite coffee quotes from Star Trek, all from Captain Janeway:
    "Coffee: the finest organic suspension ever devised…I beat the Borg with it."
    "Listen carefully, Neelix, because I'm only going to say this once. Coffee, black."
    "There's coffee in that nebula!"
    “Dammit, Tuvok, the Prime Directive doesn't apply; they have coffee!”

    Worst Star Trek quote – Captain Picard “Tea, Earl Grey, hot.” Yuck! (Sorry Zoë)

    For more enjoyment I suggest reading “The Woman’s Petition Against Coffee” (1674) Very funny and, well, a bit bawdy too.

    You should also read the National Geo article on how caffeine made the modern world possible.

    Oh, current coffee consumption is down a bit., 1-2 20oz cups and a 12 cup pot per day.

    Karen & Rene – When I worked in downtown Spokane the coffee shop across the street had coffee with shots of espresso. I can’t remember the exact name but it was something like Iron brew. I used to get a large with triple shot..

    Toni – Just like my wife, she doesn’t even like the smell of coffee and she lives in a house full of coffee drinkers. Oh and Toni – as you can tell I am not the least bit evangelistic. <g>

    Brett – before my doctor told me I shouldn’t drink carbonated beverages, Diet Dr. Pepper was my drink of choice. There is a gas station in town that has it on the fountain and they have these 64 oz mugs. Every morning I’d get a full mug. – Didn’t slow down my coffee intake though.

  17. Alafair Burke

    I'm quite used to all variations on my name, including the Alistair one. No biggie. And you're right. The Keurig doesn't make good coffee. It makes clean, easy coffee. I use the very lowest setting, then use almond milk and ice to make myself a little iced latte. And Bill Cameron is also right. French presses are awesome.

  18. Louise Ure

    My sister and her boyfriend were staying with me over Thanksgiving and they brought their Aeropress coffee maker with them. It's a bit like a science experiment every morning but makes the best cup of coffee I've ever had. And at $39 it's a steal. Check out their reviews on Amazon; you'll find a whole cult of Aeropress worshipers that you didn't even know existed.

  19. Rae

    I LOVE coffee, but unfortunately had to give up caffeine a few months ago, so now I'm on decaf – which is great in a way, because now I can have coffee all day long without worrying about a caffeine overdose. (I know there's a small amount of caffeine even in decaf, but it's not enough to make my head explode.)

    I have a Cuisinart that I love – it has a thermal pot that keeps the coffee hot for hours, and it can be programmed, so every morning I wake up to the smell of freshly brewed coffee. Yum 😉

  20. Allison Davis

    I love one coffee — preferably a non fat latte with an extra shot — in the morning. Only other coffee is at the end of a long meal at night, double decaf expresso.

    I don't like coffee made in drip coffee machines but have them for guests. Too much caffine and not enough kick in the ass flavor. For me, I use a one cup top of the stove expresso maker or get coffee out.

    All afternoon and on weekends, green tea in a mug that has a screen top ( )– loose green tea only. And when I'm writing, I do the tea thing. Better for my stomach and my attitude. Too much caffine and I get really bitchy.

    Note to Toni: Do love Community Coffee and starting next this month, live music in CC's sponsored by New Orleans Musicians Relief Fund (John Rankin on the 17th).

    I'm Irish, so I don't want to talk about the bucket of alcohol.

  21. Rob Gregory Browne

    Okay, Toni, I'm convinced. I just ordered a 12oz bag of dark roast whole beans from Community Coffee. About five bucks with free shipping. Deal!

    Now let's see if you know what you're talking about… 😉

  22. Rob Gregory Browne

    Louise, I've also just ordered an Aeropress. I've heard good things about it in the past, and heard people rave about the cup they get out of it. Plus I'm a sucker for this shit.

    Only $26!!

  23. Venus de Hilo

    Ah, the french press. I'm usually lazy and use a coffemaker with cone filter, but the FP is where it's at when I need a really good, really strong cup.

    I like my coffee strong and dark, unsweetened, with whole milk or half-and-half. I drink about half a large mug full before it cools and I head for a hot refill. I pour the cooled stuff into a tall glass for later. The second half of the second mug gets added to it, and by mid-morning I'm through with the hot stuff and ready for…

    Caffeine phase II: Add more milk/HnH to the cold coffee in the tall glass, along with two handfuls of ice and a generous glug of pure, real-thing, maple syrup. Stir and enjoy. Yum.

    Don't know why I like my hot coffee dark and unsweetened, and my iced coffee light and sweet, but that's how it is. The maple syrup thing I learned from my brother, and it's genius. Try it.

  24. Alexandra Sokoloff

    Best coffee on the planet – Cafe du Monde, in New Orleans, of course.

    Other than that I'm not so picky about it – hate Starbucks, love Peets, and I drink way too much of whatever's around to get writing in the morning.

    As for other addictions, dance continues to be a huge high – I feel like I'm getting away with something that something this good for me feels so good.

  25. Allison Brennan

    When I was 14 and a freshman in high school, I started drinking coffee. Every week, I put $1 in a jar in Mr. Jones (my English teacher) class and that entitled me to as much coffee as I wanted. He made Peet's coffee. My mug stayed in the class, with all the other mugs, and by the end of the week there was a nice coating on the bottom, but none of us cared. I drank it black, with sugar. (It wasn't until after I had my first baby that I started adding cream. Weird.) My sophomore year, I had third period free and we had an open campus, so a group of us would go to Peet's (3 blocks away) and get coffee. I was an addict. I don't think there's a day that has passed in the ensuing 27 years where I haven't had a cup of coffee. (That REALLY sounds awful when I say it like that . . . )

    I still have Peet's home delivered, and have for about 10 years now. I love my Starbucks when I'm out writing (triple venti skinny caramel latte) and for treats a peppermint mocha. But Peet's (Major Dickasons Blend) is still my favorite coffee of all time.

    And I have that same 12-cup Cuisinart. We're on our third in about 8 years. Not too bad, considering how much we use the dang thing.

  26. toni mcgee causey

    Rob, you'll have to let me know what you think.

    I had three great aunts who owned a coffee import store and I have a depression-era photo of them in this tiny sliver of a storefront, with stacks of burlap sacks of coffee beans in the background. They ground it fresh for their customers and were quite successful. They were referred to, collectively, as The Big Hats.

  27. Rochelle Staab

    My mother started me on coffee at age 4, pouring high octane in my tea party doll dishes. Hey, it was the 50s – anything goes. There was never a moment in our house without a fresh pot of drip coffee on the stove. So I grew up hooked on the brew and by age 30 I was slamming double expressos until my nerves were shredded.

    I gave up caffeine in 1994. But every single day, without fail, I have a Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf decaf Iced Blended Mocha (and because I am a Los Angeles woman, it's not only decaf, it's soy and sugar free, a daily challenge to the imagination of my taste buds.) I'm so hooked on the blendeds, I now make them at home.

  28. Laura

    I love my coffee… I have to say one of the best parts of my job is the fact that our book store has a cafe. Whenever any of the staff order a "coffee" it arrives on our desk shortly, made exactly the way each of us like it (mine is a weak skinny latte with one splenda – I know barely coffee right?!)
    Retail… you've gotta take the perks where you can find them!
    I'm thinking my dad would like a coffee maker for Christmas… one that I could use in the mornings! (He works night shifts…)
    Have a great day!
    Laura 🙂

  29. Bill Cameron

    Ah, the old "if you wanted a cup of cream and sugar, why'd you order coffee?" canard. The answer is simple, of course. A cup of cream and sugar tastes nothing like coffee with cream and sugar, which is the way I like it.

    Also, I used to be a long haul trucker too.

  30. Dudley Forster

    Rob – What’s wrong with Starbucks? I only order the brew not the lattés. I won’t order an Americano unless there is not a good brew available. The Americano taste watered down to me. In the PNW Starbucks is king. Here, other than Starbucks, there is Thomas Hammers and some local shops. Seattle’s Best is okay, but there is only one, in a Borders. I checked and there are few Peets in Seattle but none in Idaho. There is a great independent coffee shop in Boise, but that is the only coffee I have found that is better than Starbucks. Maybe I’ll order some Community Coffee, but it’s hard to argue with free coffee, especially, if it is Ethiopian Sun Dried Shirkina. Someday, I want to try Kopi Luwak, even it is $50.00 a cup. BTW – Black is the only way to drink coffee. Lattes are coffee flavored sweets.

  31. Reine

    I also love a big bowl of café au lait winter mornings fixed the way my grandfather from Québec made it. It was totally brilliant. I hate when I ask for café au lait in the states and I get a latte. Oh, blessed baristas I love you, but a café au lait is not a latte. Okay, and about the French press – definitely love those – just can't do it anymore, but once in awhile I go to the Starbucks down the road where they make a fantastic press for me. Otherwise I have to wait until I visit relatives in Denmark where my all-time favorite French press coffee is served at an outdoor café in Odense – the best I've found yet. But… Starbucks at Skyline and Campbell is much closer.

  32. KDJames

    I'm with Zoë. I drink tea, strong and, um, brown (no cream or sugar). Hot or iced. My parents drank coffee so strong. I swear a spoon would stand straight up in it. Maybe that's why I don't like the taste. Or the smell. Oh, excuse me, the aroma. Too bad, because there are so many after-dinner drinks that sound like they'd be totally awesome — if not for the coffee.

    Toni, my daughter is working at a CC's in New Orleans (while looking for a "real" job). She doesn't drink coffee either, though she and her boyfriend fell in love with mate (mah-tay) while they were in Argentina. Nasty stuff. But they have some very cool handmade bowls (cups?) and "straws" (hollow metal tubes) they use for consuming it.

  33. Rob Gregory Browne

    Dudley, Starbucks's coffee just doesn't do it for me. To be honest, my favorite place to get coffee outside of the home is McDonalds. Their coffee is great. Newman's Own, I believe.

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