by Rob Gregory Browne
Now that we’ve had our season of joy and happiness and good tidings for all, let me tell you about some of the things I hate.
I’m not normally a hateful guy, but there are things that just bug the crap out of me, and after an incredibly bad day recently, I began channeling Denis Leary and came up with this list:
10. Standing in line at the grocery store, with one item to buy, as the person in front of you pulls out a checkbook and proceeds to take five minutes to write a check for two dollars and fifteen cents.
Get a freaking bank card, will you? Checks should be banned.
9. Going to the home water color and discovering that there’s not enough water left to make your morning coffee. Those five gallon bottles are heavy, awkward and a giant pain in the ass.
8. Water cooler again: using the hot water spigot. Because they don’t want to get sued, the manufacturer makes you push an extra button and hold it down as the water comes out at half-speed. Fuck you. I want an opt-out for this mechanism. What do I look like, the McDonald’s crotch coffee lady? I’m not an idiot, thank you.
7. Ants. Especially ants in your kitchen after you’ve cleaned it so well you could do heart surgery on the friggin’ counter (assuming you have counter space — see #5)
The other day, I discovered that the inside of my sugar bowl was crawling with ants. And this was when it was SITTING IN THE DISHWASHER and HAD ALREADY BEEN WASHED with soap and scalding hot water. WTF? Do I need a new dishwasher? Industrial strength ant spray?
6. Piece of shit dishwashers that won’t let you put a decent sized pan in the bottom rack because they get in the way of the rotating spray mechanism. Douchebaggery at its finest.
Advice: take your dishes with you when you buy a dishwasher. Make sure they fit to your satisfaction. DO NOT leave this one up to chance.
5. Not enough counter space in your kitchen. Don’t buy a house in a hurry. And if you must, make sure that kitchen has PLENTY of freaking room.
With the day’s dishes on one side, the multitude of appliances I’ve collected on the other side and a big fat stove top taking up the rest, where the hell am I supposed to cut my tomatoes?
4. When someone asks you to do something for them, then stands over you and tells you how to do it.
If you have time to stand over me and give me instructions (although I’ve done the task a billion times), then you can friggin’ do it yourself. Don’t like the way I’ve mopped the floor? Put that tongue to better use.
3. Lame television commercials. 9.9 out of 10 commercials are inane, annoying and a waste of TV watching time. Which is why I now buy DVDs of my favorite shows, or record them to my DVR.
2. When some idiot makes a right turn directly in front of you, and proceeds to drive at a speed at which no human should travel on FOOT, let alone in a car, forcing you to ease off the gas or even hit your brakes to avoid a two-car pile up. AND THERE’S NO ONE BEHIND YOU.
If they had waited three seconds more, they wouldn’t have you riding their assssssss.
1. People who use cell phones while driving. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOUR KIDS. FUCK YOUR FAMILY. AND all of your friends. Especially the ones who call you while you’re driving. Oh, and get the hell out of my way. I’m trying to get somewhere, not make a doctor’s appointment.
And a special bonus hate:
* Hypocrites. The do as I say, not as I do crowd.
I once worked with a woman who was very strict about company policies and rules — except when it came to HER and the people she liked. Then all bets were off.
If you pointed out to her that “rules are rules,” (as she always loved to say), you jumped immediately to her shit list and she’d do everything in her power to screw you. Behind your back. While smiling sweetly at you every morning.
Okay, that’s it. Rant over.
Now it’s your turn.