TEn things I learned this week

By Cornelia Read

1. Les Paul was Steve Miller’s godfather. How cool is that?

2. It is possible to turn in the final draft of one’s fourth novel at three minutes after midnight, which technically means it was a day late, and then pack up your entire apartment and put it into storage in Brooklyn in 36 hours, but only if your new landlords are total lawyer-happy douchebags.*


3. Silent movies can actually be GOOD.

And we should all go see The Artist when it comes out.

4. If your kid gives you the wicked chesty cough that’s going around, Mucinex DM totally rocks. And it doesn’t taste like nasty fake cherry bullshit. Even though I am not a fan of those phlegm CGI commercials with the family of green slime-things living in your lungs.



p.s. What’s green and skates? Peggy Phlegm.

5. Brussels sprouts cut in half, tossed with olive oil, garlic, lemon zest, and black pepper and roasted for about 45 minutes in a 350-degree oven until they’re brown and toasty can make up for totally douchey landlords.

6. David Corbett makes the best mix tapes in the history of the fucking world. Seriously. Especially when you have to pack your entire apartment in under 36 hours because you have douchey landlords.

Okay, actually, the coolest song is “Dragnet for Jesus” by Sister Wynona Carr, but they didn’t have it on Youtube so here she is singing “Each Day.”

7. If you don’t feel like packing up your toaster, your curler things you bought at a garage sale five years ago and never use, three hors-d’oeuvre platters your mother gave you, and five boxes of books you don’t want to keep, you can totally leave them on your douchey landlords stoop with impunity. If you live in Brooklyn, which of course I actually DON’T anymore.

8. My pal Andrea and her two kids have adopted the phrase “I have to go see my lawyer” when they’re staying in this house in Montauk and really have to use the bathroom quickly and need whomever else is in there to get out in a big fat hurry.

9. Pizza is better in New York City than anywhere else ever ever ever, and it’s cheap. And it’s good fuel when you have to stay up all night packing up your entire apartment because your landlords are douchey.

10. If some guy comes up to my window at an intersection and tells me my car’s on fire, I should just shoot him in the face and drive the fuck away.


And how was your week, dearest ‘Ratis? (I will be on a train and then driving to Vermont tomorrow, but will try to check in on comments… hugs to y’all….)

* And may they get bedbugs. With chlamydia.

20 thoughts on “TEn things I learned this week

  1. Reine

    Well my week is complete now with another fuckingly therapeutic blog from you, Cornelia.

    Was packing up a few things today, myself. Just for the Goodwill box, not moving unfortunately, and came across the glass from the L.A. Playboy Club that Hazel Scott gave me. Someone took me to see her there when I was a teenager and introduced us. We spent some time talking about music. Then she said she wanted to give me something and just handed me the glass she'd been drinking from. She said, "You're too young to drink, so save this for later." So that was the best of my week – a good memory of Hazel Scott. Here's an old video of her singing Night Music with Charles Mingus. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FyZ6hTTMqok&feature=related

  2. Shizuka

    Are you gonna tell us what happened with the douchy landlords?
    I'm dying to know. Which I guess, is part of what makes you such a good writer.
    You know how to build up to a reveal.

    Whatever happened, I'm toasting you with my cup of tea (too early for a real drink)
    for being able to pull everything together and get the hell out in 36 hours.
    And then write a seriously funny post about it.

    My week was work. Then getting home and doing more work.
    That's why I got up at 7 on a Saturday. More. Work.
    At least I get to wear jeans and sneakers to this meeting.

  3. Jonathan Hayes

    I HATE those Mucinex ads! HATE them!!!

    Particularly as they always come on while I'm having dinner.

    I bet it's an effective campaign, though.

    Now *I* want a Corbett mix. I make amazing mixes, but they might be a bit esoteric.

    Sorry douchebags drove you away. Or made your departure more harrowing than it needed to be.

  4. Reine

    Yeah, what happened? And why aren't you in Brooklyn anymore. Not that it's any of my business. I do hate douchebags a lot. Now more than ever, because they imposed their douchinesse on you.

    Mucinex ads? Haven't seen any yet. But it was 95° today. Still reaching triple digits some days.

    OK. Enjoy Corbett's mix. I admit to a teensy bit of jealousy there. Nothing that couldn't be cured with a NY pizza, though.


  5. EB Snyder

    Ha, ha! What a great way to start a Saturday at work. I played, "Each Day" while I read. It made for the perfect background music.

  6. Alaina

    Douchey landlords aside, allow me to be the first to welcome you to New Engladn. *nods firmly*

    My week… well, my fish died a while back, so I got new ones. THis was part because I wanted them, and part because of my sister. (FYI? If someone gives you fish with a plant growing out of the tank instead of a filter, the plant will die if it doesn't have fishpoop to live off of. And she'd be heartbroken if EVERYTHING she gave me died.) Of course, because I am a college student, the only place I could get fish was Wal*Mart, everywhere else being out of walking distance or unavailable by shuttle.

    Did you know Wal*Mart has a 90-day return policy on fish with receipts? And that this is because roughly half their fish die within a week of transferring tanks? (or because they're old). Fish 3 is still alive. I started out with 2. I get to 'return' Goggles– wrapped in a paper towel– today, and maybe get another fish. Oy. Yeah, that about summarizes my week.

  7. Lisa Alber

    My week wasn't so great either. However, hate to say it, but I felt a little better about if after reading your post. Between JT's car scare and your douchey ex-landlords, I feel damned lucky in fact. How to maintain that nice attitude while I work all weekend on day-job (alas, not fiction) deadline crapwork…?

  8. Kay

    OOOOOOOOH, I can't wait to see what you do to these awful landlords in your next book. It's got to be one of the greatest things about being a writer—killing off evil people in spectacularly gruesome ways.
    I had one guy drown in wildebeest poo. Man was THAT fun.

    Hope the folks in Vermont are much better, and don't have to DIE.

  9. Allison Davis

    Totally sucks and I'm kinda pissed you didn't call me because your lawyers can be bigger douche bags than your douche bag landlord's lawyers. I love to beat up douche bags, and the lawyers of douche bags. You love NYC and you should be there. Let me know who to beat up.

    the Murderati and friends of Murderati would make a f*#%ing! great beat up the douche bag's lawyers law firm.

    On a better note, I also want a David Corbett mix, but what I really want is that movie blog he did on a CD so I can play it and maybe finally get some movie sense. Embarassing I did better with the TV shows.

    Moving is not therapy by the way.

  10. Jonathan Hayes

    Moving may not be therapy, but, sadly, sometimes it's the fastest way to lance the boil and clean the slate.

    Oh, and also: What the hell?!? Corbett not only does amazing mixes, but also instructional movie blogs, of which I have neither?

    This just gets unfairer and unfairer.

  11. Reine

    Allison, somehow I can tell that you are the best douche-bag-bagger in the world, and I'm catching the douchebag-back-at-em spirit

    Jonathan I'm with you on boil-lance therapeutic hermeneutic.

  12. lil Gluckstern

    Those douchy landlords are doomed. Don't they know anything about Karma? Besides, you've got all of us on your side. Vermont is pretty right now, isn't it? Take care. I'm looking forward to #4.

  13. Zoë Sharp

    Hi Cornelia

    Sounds like you're having a pretty bad time of it, girl. I'm sending virtual hugs your way.

    I am definitely trying the Brussels sprout recipe. Another great one is to par-boil them, then throw them in a pan with some hoisin sauce. Wonderful – especially good comfort food for douchy landlords.

    And on that note – want to give us some names and we'll do nasty things to them in our next books?

  14. Tom Barclay

    I second Zoe's idea – within the bounds of the law, of course. And I'm pretty good at stretching boundaries.

  15. MBH

    Seriously sucks ahoy. Being doucheey must be no fun at all, I mean, Seriously? Have you hooked up a new place yet? What's with the car on fire???

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