by Pari
Baby Boomers, as a group, are becoming the passing generation. We’re not quite ancient yet but, other than ED and osteoporosis ads (and all those cut-ten-years-off-of-your-face/neck commercials), marketers have turned much of their attention to the next population waves.
I feel obsolescence tapping my shoulder. For now, I’m giving it a swift backward kick in the groin . . . but its presence still shadows me.
The first few decades of my life, only humans filled the roles of Confessor, Therapist and Persuader. The means for standing on soapboxes and pushing political agendas — for most of us — rested in letters to the editor, op-eds and the tiny number of talk radio programs that existed at the time. A single, regular guy’s reach back then — if he had PR in his toolkit — spanned at most a few thousand.
For better or worse, the ubiquitous nature of 24-7 television (plus cable, Youtube, etc), the internet and other easy-access electronic means of communication have changed all that. A message written in a private email can be resent endlessly. Tweets are retweeted, videos/blogs reposted. People of my era bemoan the demise of privacy even as we flush our own down the drain in a million small ways each day.
There just isn’t a useful instruction manual for us Techno-tweeners to help us navigate this new age of communication. The scary thing for me right now is: With the advent of no-taking-anything-back, caution must be top-of-mind even as someone experiences powerful life-changes.
So I sit wondering how much to share and how much to withhold . . .
And here’s why I’ve been thinking about all of this: It’s been just a few days since my husband got a lawyer. After more than a year, he is finally ready to move on. As a matter of fact, he’s hot to trot on ending this marriage once and for all. Me? I’m shaky. My discomfort, grief and fear, my hope for a happy end to a difficult process, all are bound to squirt out in the coming months as I move through this next phase. Do I disclose and risk an eternal artifact of this time in my life? Do I keep my blogs and other electronic communications purely professional and risk living a half-truth at best?
I haven’t figured any of this out yet . . . but I’m sure struggling with trying to be wise.
How about you?
Have you faced similar dilemmas?
Do you share important parts of your life with potential millions of unknown readers/viewers?
Do you feel compelled to keep much more “close to your chest?”
How the hell do you manage it?
I often struggle with this. And I've found myself disclosing much more in the past 6-12 months than I did before. I have an intensely private husband (who would probably not like me writing even this!) and so I do have to keep that in mind. It is hard to know where to draw the line. As you say, the more personal blogs and Facebook posts are probably more interesting, but they are also…well, personal!
Pari…the lawyer moving in must be incredibly hard. Best wishes for the coming weeks and months.
Phillipa
This is a really good topic, Pari. I know exactly what you're going through, and the dilemma. As anyone who regularly reads this blog (or my own) knows, I'm not one of the disclosers. While I keep the emotions real, I post disinformation and conflicting facts all the time. I don't talk about my family, I don't talk about my pets, I didn't talk about my very painful (of course) split from my ex, I haven't talked about the recent deaths of loved ones. All of that leaves a trail for people with fraudulent or criminal intent.
I love Steve's very honest and personal posts, and I know readers do, too – but he's a man. It's just different. Anyone who really knows me and cares about me can ASK me and I'll have a private communication with them.
It is hard, because as writers we're expected to be forthcoming about our personal lives and feelings. It's part of the job to explore our feelings for other people. But I think we can do that in metaphor, or with past examples, without compromising the people closest to us – or ourselves.
This is a really good topic, Pari. I know exactly what you're going through, and the dilemma. As anyone who regularly reads this blog (or my own) knows, I'm not one of the disclosers. While I keep the emotions real, I post disinformation and conflicting facts all the time. I don't talk about my family, I don't talk about my pets, I didn't talk about my very painful (of course) split from my ex, I haven't talked about the recent deaths of loved ones. I don't, because all of that leaves a trail for people with fraudulent or criminal intent.
I love Steve's very honest and personal posts, and I know readers do, too – but he's a man. It's just different. Anyone who really knows me and cares about me can ASK me and I'll have a private communication with them.
It is hard, because as writers we're expected to be forthcoming about our personal lives and feelings. It's part of the job to explore our feelings for other people. But I think we can do that in metaphor, or with past examples, without compromising the people closest to us – or ourselves.
I really urge you to find a 12-Step kind of group or other similar group therapy where you can talk about what you are going through honestly with people in the same situation. It was lifesaving for me. And it will mostly likely keep you from blurting things you can't take back, if it's a concern of yours.
Alex,
Thank you for your comment. I know you know about this! I've become very aware of identity theft and other computer-based crime during the last few years. It hasn't happened to me, but I know folks who've suffered the consequences and am very careful for people at work as well (since I write a lot of web content).
I, too, have been conservative in my self-disclosure when it comes to the others in my life. I'm also thinking of starting a group, based on the book REBUILDING, because I think it is important to share with others going through similar experiences.
Luckily, I don't feel compelled to slander or besmirch . . . that, at least, is helpful.
Most of us like reading other people's letters and peeping into their private lives. Others of us like bleeding all over the screen, leaving our mail in the entry hall, others grab their mail and hide in the closet. You need to do what you need to do for youir personal growth. The other side of the despicable mountain you climb has waterfalls of bliss and trees shading contentment. I needed a sounding board for my feelings. I found it in my therapist. When I was troubled I let myself hear what I said, the resolutions I birthed in her office. Thoughts rattled my brain, feelings erupted in my body. The spoken word became my tourch in the blackness of truth.
Snuggle up to the hippo.
Yes, this is a great topic. A few years back I was a regular blogger, and I was fairly confessional. After awhile I became uncomfortable with myself, almost self-conscious. It felt strange to air it all…so now I don't blog much, because I'm not sure HOW to blog anymore.
I'd never thought about the male/female factor as Alex described. That's a good point. I feel vulnerable at times.
About the 24/7 info-flow in general — sometimes it makes me sick to my stomach. Like when you hear about idiots torturing animals just so they can put the videos on YouTube. Or, this morning, I saw something about a father who shamed his toddler — toddler! — because she pooped in the shower. It's out on YouTube and will never go away. I really don't get it. There needs to be a new psychological term for that kind of thing.
I had a credit card stolen right out of my mailbox. When the company called I apologized for wanting to verify by placing the call myself, which I did. . I called the number on the card and sure enough, they had a record of the call that had been made to me, my card had been stolen, and the problem was resolved.
I remember a fun Fb thread during the royals wedding where you could have a Lady or Duchess name by just filling in the first street where you lived, your first pets name, your maiden name. Wow, lots of participation and fun but…that's all the secondary security information that banks use to verify that it's really you!
For an author, I think that privacy becomes more of an issue. I suppose that a nom de plume gives you some security, and I admit that I enjoy the personal information, but quite frankly, it's none of my damn business. Personal connections with readers is great, but not if it compromises your security or your family. Personal reflections can still exist as you reflect on the world around you, your philosophy, or interests.
Judy,
Thank you for the last line of your comment <g>. And I'm very glad to have a therapist during this journey. I also have a wonderful therapist in my writing; I'm journaling again and it's a tremendous help.
Lisa,
I bet the whole lexicon of psychology is changing right this minute because of the things you've mentioned. However, at the base, our impulses for good — or bad (as in the case of that idiot father) — are still human.
I also totally get your comment about not knowing how to blog anymore. I'm not in the same place, but content has become more of an issue lately. I've started many blogs and then refused to finish them for public consumption.
As to the male/female point, I do think there's merit in the idea . . .
Debbie,
Sorry to hear about the credit card and I'm glad it resolved well.
It is amazing how much information we do give out that can be used against us . . . financially, socially, in the workplace, for potential jobs. I don't want to be paranoid; I just want to be wise.
And I don't think I'll stop self-disclosing because that's part of how I write and what I write on the 'Rati, but I'm mindful of as much as I can be.
I spill opinions and personal stories and wretched days on my blog every day, but I protect my kids, my personal information, and don't discuss my job except in very general terms.
And in six years of blogging (the last three under my own name), the only worrisome thing that has happened is my parents discovering my posts. And their comments are a blast.
The worst that has happened to me concerning my online social networking–and only this past week–is that my Twitter account was hacked. A couple of people told me, I changed my passwords (I do so every quarter anyway), and that was that.
Debbie, I saw that "Dutchess name" thing and was aghast. That is EVERY bit of information a con artist needs to get in to your bank accounts. What are people thinking?
Debbie, I saw that "Dutchess name" thing and was aghast. That is EVERY bit of information a con artist needs to get in to your bank accounts. What are people thinking?
It's such a delicate dance. I blogged for years, and I was personal but a lot of my honesty was tempered. I didn't say what I thought about some situations and people, partly because it wasn't necessary and partly because there are litigious people out there. I changed names when I could.
Blogging on a personal level is often like public journal-keeping. Blogging in a venue like this? Much harder. We fans/readers/colleagues love glimpses into our friends and heroes (and those of you who are writers here? Heroes. Each and every one of you. You inspire and give hope, and I cannot begin to tell you how important you are.), but this is more professional than personal, so it's a strange situation.
Trust your gut, Pari. If it feels like oversharing, it probably is. If it's a teachable moment, we're here for you.