Something I Don’t Want For Christmas

Christmas is just around the corner and it’s a time for giving, but there are some things I don’t want—bad reviews to be exact.  I was thinking about reviews the other day.  Well, not exactly thinking, more like obsessing.  Despite my rough, gritty exterior that you’ve come to know and mildly like, I’m quite squidgy inside, so the idea of getting a bad review is likely to make me cry or hide under the duvet until someone compliments me.  So I started to think about what would be a nightmare review.  Here’s what I hope never to see written about my books this Christmas or at any time:

“A great bathroom read—very absorbent.”

“It’s one hell of doorstop.”

“Out of all the books I’ve read this year, this was one.”

“Once read, never remembered.”

“This book made me switch on the TV.”

“It was grate!”

“This book is very put-downable—a policy that should be applied to the author.”

“An author to track down—and do bad things to.”

“It made me hate my ability to read.”

“This was a real page burner.”

So those are some of my nightmare reviews.  What are yours or what ones do you wish you could have written for other people’s books?  (No names or titles, please).

Yours hoping for everything I deserve this Christmas,
Simon Wood

10 thoughts on “Something I Don’t Want For Christmas

  1. Tammy Cravit

    “Somewhere in the woods of Oregon, there’s a forest grieving that its life was valued so cheaply.”

    Or how about this one:

    “Reading this book is better than cutting off your own nose with a butter knife. But only just.”


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