No sex, please, we’re mystery writers

by Alexandra Sokoloff

When my first book came out I didn’t read my reviews all that often, except the biggest ones.    Maybe that was mostly because I was so deep in the middle of the second and it was such an intense experience that I blocked out most of what else was going on around me.   I know some authors don’t read reviews at all.    I don’t avoid them, but I don’t try to hunt them down.   But you do get a lot of them by osmosis, and it is useful to have an overview, because by the fourth book I am getting a sense of some patterns of response, here.  

And one of them I find really amusing, always from men, of course, is the “unnecessary romance” gripe.    Usually phrased as “unnecessary sex”.  

Now, the first thing that comes to mind is, “Unnecessary to whom, exactly?’   Because I know these characters I’m writing pretty well, and I can assure you that they don’t feel sex is unnecessary.  As a matter of fact, if you asked them, they’d probably say it was about !%@#&* time by the time it finally happens.    I myself would be pretty unhappy if I had to go the whole length of a book without sex.

But it’s really interesting how some genre puritans – I mean purists – just do not think sex belongs in a crime thriller, or a horror novel, or a mystery. 

Maybe I’m just coming from a different frame of reference.   I’m sure Steve, Rob and Toni can back me up on this – the love subplot is just de facto in Hollywood, except in the most extreme cases, and so you learn to weave it in as an essential part of your plot.  

But I still can’t understand why people would be so put off by sex in a thriller.   If you’re not getting off on the sex, doesn’t that mean, basically, you’re getting off on the violence?   Worrisome.

Anyway, long rant to get to what I really wanted to talk about.   I am not going to be taking sex out of my books (in fact, having done a paranormal, now, coming out in November, people who read me better be bracing themselves for more than usual).     But I do feel very strongly that the love plot has to be essential to the action, and thematic, not just a throwaway.

It’s sort of a monumental task to take on the structure of romance, so I’m been starting to break it down into elements one at a time, to see what I can learn about what makes a great love story.   I talked about how crucial theme is in a love story before, and today I’m focusing on a particular dynamic between characters that I’ve noticed lately.

There’s a saying I’m sure you’ve heard that in a relationship there is always a Lover and a Loved One. Whether that’s actually true in life, I’m not sure I want to know; one would hope these things would be somewhat equal. But I know this Lover/Loved One dymanic tends to be the case in romantic comedy (the romance readers/writers will have to tell me if it’s the case in romance fiction, I’d love to know your thoughts.). Either way, it’s a useful model for writing romance, and I think for a love subplot, too.

In most stories, for most of the story, there’s an imbalance between the hero and heroine, or hero/hero, or heroine/heroine… the two lovers, whatever gender and orientation they may be. (I’m not going to get into the subgenre of ménages today, sorry.)

At first what this looks like is that there’s a Pursuer and a Pursued – but the pursuer might not be the one who loves most deeply. The pursuit might be ego-based, or to win a bet, or obviously, just sexual conquest – any number of things.
Now, the two characters might equally hate each other at first: as in WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS, YOU’VE GOT MAIL.

But pretty quickly in most romantic comedies, one of the characters becomes more interested in the other, and becomes the pursuer.

Note that the protagonist can be either the pursuer or the pursued. In NOTTING HILL, Hugh Grant is the pursuer (in that diffident English way, of course…). In IT’S COMPLICATED, Meryl Streep is the pursued.

In WHEN HARRY MET SALLY, Harry is the pursuer. In YOU’VE GOT MAIL, Tom Hanks is the pursuer. In PHILADEPHIA STORY, Katharine Hepburn is the pursued. (arguably in these three films there is no true protagonist; the hero/heroine characters are about as equal as characters ever get in a story)

Hmm, do we see a pattern here? Male pursues, female is pursued. Maybe biology really IS destiny. No, wait – in BRIDGET JONES’ DIARY, Bridget is the pursuer. In BRINGING UP BABY, Katharine Hepburn is the pursuer (but not the protagonist). And I’m sure you can think of a lot of other examples.)

But the pursuer is not the same as the Lover, necessarily. In NOTTING HILL, Hugh is both the pursuer and the lover (he is definitely the one who feels most deeply in the tentative dance going on between him and Julia Roberts). In IT’S COMPLICATED, Alec Baldwin is very much the pursuer, Meryl Streep is the pursued, and Steve Martin is the lover (also a pursuer, but overwhelmed by Alec Baldwin’s intense pursuit. But in this trio, Steve Martin is most clear about who and what he wants.).

In WHEN HARRY MET SALLY, Harry is the pursuer, but not the lover. At a certain point, it’s Sally who realizes that she wants more than friendship. She becomes the lover.

In PHILADELPHIA STORY, Cary Grant is the pursuer and also the lover, but interestingly, he’s coming from much more of a position of strength than the lover usually comes from; from the beginning, he has no intention of compromising.

Pursued and pursuer, lover and loved one, different combinations of and variations on those dynamics. 

And once I noticed that dynamic, I also noticed that there’s a very typical scene, usually in the very last part of Act II:2, but sometimes in Act III, that I’ll call “The Lover Makes a Stand” (Takes a stand? Makes a stand? Looking it up. Okay, it’s “makes a stand.”).
And in this scene the Lover, or whoever has become the Lover by this point, the one who loves most deeply, basically says to the Loved One – “I’m not going to take your bullshit any more. Make up your mind. Either commit to me or don’t, but if you don’t, I’m out of here.”

Steve Martin tells Meryl Streep that she’s not done with Alec yet, and he doesn’t want to see her while she’s still emotionally involved with him. Hugh Grant tells Julia Roberts in the bookstore that between her “vicious temper” and his far more inexperienced heart, he doesn’t think he would recover from being discarded again, and turns down her offer to date. Sally refuses Harry’s offer to go to the New Year’s party as his “friends with benefits” date because “I’m not your consolation prize, Harry.”

Cary Grant – well, in PHILADELPHIA STORY Cary makes his stand at the very beginning, in action, not words. The whole movie is about him creating a situation that will force Katharine Hepburn to look at herself clearly and choose what and whom she really wants. Cary never begs. He manipulates, then stands back and watches until she falls, and in falling becomes the whole woman he always knew she could be, but he will not accept less than.

(And that, btw, is the sort of thing that makes a person Cary Grant…)

In all of the above scenes, the Lover’s Stand forces the Loved One to step up and commit just as deeply as the Lover is committed. But it seems that very, very, very often, it’s one character, the Lover, who has to force the issue.

It’s such a common scene, I’m going to have to stick it in my Story Elements Checklist, right around Sequence 6 or Sequence 7.

Now, sometimes there’s a different scene at this juncture, which I will call The Declaration. A very good example is in BRIDGET JONES’ DIARY, when Bridget races to the party to tell Colin Firth she loves him, only to find that his parents have thrown the party to announce his engagement and departure for America. Then she makes her Declaration – a mangled sort of toast that Colin understands is her desperate confession of love. It’s not the same as a Make a Stand scene because it’s not saying, “I’ve had it, I’m walking.” But it does put the cards on the table so the Loved One will have to make a decision, one way or another.

The more I look specifically at the way love plots work, the more these elements seem to be the natural – or unnatural, if you want – rhythm of courtship.    For better or worse, but that’s the way the game plays out.    And that’s an interesting thing to know, whether your book or script is all romance, or whether you’re working on a love plot for your mystery or thriller.

What do you think, all you romance writers out there who are far more qualified to write this post than I am? Am I on to something, here?

Any examples of Pursuer/Pursued, Lover/Loved One? Or examples of The Lover Makes A Stand scenes or Declaration scenes for us?   Or other essential elements of romance/love plots that you’ve found?

Or am I wrong, and sex really doesn’t belong in a mystery/thriller?

– Alex


I’m teaching a 2-week online Screenwriting Tricks For Authors workshop this month – details here.

39 thoughts on “No sex, please, we’re mystery writers

  1. Alexandra Sokoloff

    Holly, thank you for that Stabenow quote – glad to see other people are equally unnerved by the… implication, there.

    Yeah, it’s interesting how the dynamics in love are always lopsided until the happy ending. Hopefully the balance sticks around for a while….

  2. PK the Bookeemonster

    To state my thoughts in an oversimplified way: I think readers may come from two camps. The first camp, those who complain about too much sex, prefer the Law and Order form of crime fiction in that we know next to nothing about personal lives of the crime fighters and completely focus on the procedure and investigation of the crime. Those in the other camp may prefer a fuller picture of the characters’ internal world and personal interactions which includes relationships in all forms in all its messy glory. My husband and I always make fun the last line of the blonde assistant DA from Law & Order when she left the series, "It’s because I’m a lesbian, isn’t it." Came out of no where and had no relevance really to the story but gave a window into a personal life that one usually don’t see on that show.
    Ah, and that leads me to think that maybe the complaint of too much sex in books comes from someone who, ahem, isn’t doing it well. Maybe it’s not feeling organic enough to the structure of the story in the world the author is building.
    <shrug> I’m going to go make some more coffee. 🙂

  3. Alexandra Sokoloff

    I would tend to agree with you, PK, on the not doing it well.

    But you’re right – I have NEVER understood the Law & Order model – I can’t stand not knowing about the characters’ personal lives. But obviously there’s an audience for it – it’s just not me.

  4. JD Rhoades

    Hmmm…not sure where the romance in my current WIP fits into this. In mine, both of the parties are attracted to each other, they know it, but they don’t/can’t act on it for various reasons (a big one being they’re both running for their lives) until the night before the second act climax when they realize they both may be dead by the next day.

  5. Gayle Carline

    You are not wrong, Alex. Sex belongs in mysteries, in thrillers, in horror… it belongs everywhere when you have characters who have lives. Okay, maybe not in children’s books.

  6. judy wirzberger

    Next, please blog about the difference in male and female written sex. you can bet that if she sees him, runs across the room, jumps into his arms and wraps her legs around his waist, it’ a male author.

    Absolutely enjoyed your analysis. Waiting for Louise’s.

  7. pari noskin taichert

    I’m with Gayle and others, Alex: sex belongs wherever it serves the story.

    And thank you for the lover/loved one pursuer/pursued paradigms. I’m thinking about writing a book with a strong romantic element and this is a very useful framework.

  8. Stephen Jay Schwartz

    I love it, Alex. You’re spot on. I always include a romantic subplot, in everything I write. It just feels natural. And if I didn’t include sex in my Hayden books….well, that would be just plain silly.

  9. toni mcgee causey

    Alex, brilliant blog, and you’re absolutely right–there is more to someone’s life than just unwrapping a crime. There should be more levels and layers to a character than simple procedure.

    The Law and Order type of stories fit into the puzzle mystery structure, which is more about showing off a brilliant solution than it is developing memorable characters or exploring ramifications of issues or the cause/effects of evil on the world of the story. I find I’m almost unable to remember characters from that series and similar series in books–there’s nothing much to hang onto later. [The exception in these stories is the bizarre crime-solver, like Poirot or Holmes, et. al. Their quirks become the focus of the series.]

    As for the romance subplot in scripts, that’s almost an absolute. For one thing, it gives the storyteller (writer/director/actors) a chance to show the main characters under a personal pressure while the bigger premise unfolds. Story=character under pressure, and we get to know so much more about them when we see who they pursue and what they’ll do to win and how they respond to the situation.

    Love doesn’t live in a vacuum, and neither does a character. They aren’t just the person who has to go in to solve a crime. They’re also a person who has to deal with friends, family, etc. And in the compression that is a story, showing the high stakes of who they love and could lose puts them in a helluva fix where true character and character flaws emerge. It’s a way to show it, without having to tell it. (And without having to take 20 books or 100 shows to convey it.)

    It always amuses me that the sex/romance angle gets whined about, when the violence is fine. Makes me worry about people sometimes.

    That said, it is critical that the sex scenes / romance scenes *mean* something important to the story. There has to be a change in the character’s perceptions of their world, and it has to put more at stake–not less–for them personally as well as with regard to whatever else they’re trying to accomplish.

  10. Zoë Sharp

    Hi Alex

    Great blog. I agree that sex has to both fit into the story and move it forwards in some way. I’ve included sex scenes in some of my books, but not in others. If it didn’t suit the story, it didn’t go in. I’ve read a number of thrillers where I’ve reached a certain distance in and thought, ‘We must be due an obligatory sex scene soon … Ah, there it is!’

    Unnecessary sex can be just as gratuitous as unnecessary violence. But there’s a big difference between graphic and gratuitous.

    And yes, PK, I think there is a big difference between the way men and women write sex scenes. Women tend (OK, generalising here) to concentrate on the emotional impact, where men tend to go for the mechanical aspects. And some male writers, in my experience, have a very interesting idea of what constitutes consensual sex…

  11. Michael

    Philip Marlowe went without sex in "The Big Sleep" (he was the "pursued") in Raymond Chandler’s book. Howard Hawks film version hinted he had sex (or will) with a variety of women (the bookstore clerk, the taxi driver, the client’s oldest daughter).

    Most thrillers have sex scenes. But it is used to develop the characters. One of the most overused cliche is the blonde bombshell hiring the PI. Certainly the "Men Adventure" books by Mickey Spillane, Richard Prather,etc featured sex with their shooting people.

    I am currently burned out reading the modern cozy mystery. The formula has gotten too predictable. My problem is not with the sex in the books. but that the sex is more important than the mystery. I want to read about the mystery rather than read page after page of the single female main character complaining about her lack of sex life and what, in much detail, sexual adventures she wants to have with the guy who hates her.

  12. Barbie

    I have no problem with sex in thrillers, even casual sex, because if I was trying to catch some psycho killer, I’d need to, let’s say, blow off some of the steam. If there was a hot guy I was working with 24/7 that shared my need, dude, bring it on! 🙂

    But most thrillers I’ve read have only little mentions of sex — maybe half a page? And, as I think of it, it usually brings some kind of impact to the characters!

    I am bothered, however, by unnecessary sex. As in, ever watched True Blood? I watch it with my mom and 15-year-old brother (it gets uncomfortable sometimes) and every single episode there’s an unnecessary semi-explicit sex scene, just for the sake of it. Even if it’s like, two dogs humping on the road, there’s something. That annoys the hell out of me. I hate the idea that people actually believe that showing sex to sell something. I mean, it is really not good enough that you need half naked people for people to watch it/buy it?


  13. Alexandra Sokoloff

    Spencer and Gayle, yeah, exactly. And I reallly don’t think these people who object are thinking my sex scenes are badly written – because what they say is – unnecessary.

    But who knows?

  14. Alexandra Sokoloff

    Judy, the difference between male written and female written sex is a good topic, but it’s kind of no contest when you let different genres compete in this category… There is such hot romance out there it sizzles…

  15. Alexandra Sokoloff

    Oh, great, Pari, glad you think it will work for you. I’ve just always heard that about the Lover/Loved One and wondered if it was true for story structure, and lo and behold….

  16. Alexandra Sokoloff

    LOL, Steve. Yes, Boulevard without sex? Uh…

    But that’s what makes that book so great on a level that has everything and nothing to do with the thriller. It’s about human desire, and obsession, and behavior – all the things that are truly thrilling to know about a character.

  17. Alexandra Sokoloff

    Toni, thanks, well-said – the stakes and pressure that a love interest put into a story are key reasons to do it.

    And yes, the reason I’m trying to break these things down right now is to get myself and anyone who cares to listen thinking about what really does make a great love plot – whether it’s the main plot or an integral subplot.

  18. Alexandra Sokoloff

    Ooh, snap, Z!

    Of course it makes me uneasy to talk about consensual when I often have female characters saying no when they mean yes. But at least you’re in their heads and KNOW they mean yes.

    I totally agree, it’s about the needs of the story. I just finished Mo Hayder’s latest, SKIN, and there’s no sex between the two main characters, though an obvious interest, and it works because you so want them to get together and then something happens that’s pretty devastating and you are aching at the thought that it won’t work out and then… welll, I won’t say, but I love the ending – made the whole book for me.

  19. Alexandra Sokoloff

    That’s interesting, Michael, I don’t read a lot of cozies but always had the impression that there ISN’T overt sex in a cozy. Maybe what that is is the chick lit slash cozy, but I don’t know.

    I LOVE all the sexual innuendo in The Big Sleep film. Of course Howard Hawks is just the best at interesting women, and it shows in every single minor character in that film, as well as the majors.

  20. KDJames / BCB

    Alex, I’ve never heard it phrased that way: Lover/Loved One and Pursued/Pursuer. But of course, they both fit. You have such a unique way of seeing things. Brilliant.

    I’m feeling sluggish and thick-headed today (yes, more so than usual, if you can believe that’s even possible) so I’ve been struggling with how to say this. I think another element in the push-pull of romance is the feeling one, or sometimes both, the characters have that they are either incapable of love or not worthy of being loved. I guess that would be the role of the Pursued? That it’s not a matter of throwing two people together and letting nature take it’s course (well, sometimes it is), but of one person overcoming the other’s belief that they are too "damaged" (and that covers a very broad spectrum) in some way to be either worthy of love or of returning those feelings.

    I don’t know whether this is present in ALL romances, or just the ones I enjoy and remember. But I do like that particular character arc. Maybe what I’m talking about is the "why" behind who fills the roles of Pursuer/Pursued and what is keeping them apart. If that makes sense.

    Probably I need to make another mug of tea and go sit quietly, listen to the rain we’re having here.

  21. Alexandra Sokoloff

    Katherine, absolutely – that push/pull is there in so many stories – one will pursue and then when the pursued starts to seem interested, the pursuer will freak out and pull back.

    Very true to real life courting – and in fact I am guilty of sometimes manipulating that dynamic to my favor, it’s so obvious when it’s going on. It’s pretty easy to force the pursued to pursue by pulling back. But in that situation, there is a Pursuer Pursued dynamic, not a true Push/Pull.

    I haven’t worked on these patterns long enough to put forth a theory, but I have been thinking that the Push/Pull model is one of the top five (just wildly guessing that there are a top five…)

    And feelings of unworthiness – well, I think you’re spot on that that’s what underlies that kind of game playing.

  22. Allison Brennan

    I swear Alex, we’re on the same damn wavelength and it’s beginning to scare me. I was going to talk about JUST THIS SUBJECT tomorrow!!!! Now I have to come up with something completely different . . .

  23. Lance C.

    I don’t object to sex scenes per se in whatever genre. I object to sex scenes in books that don’t mean anything, which includes about 90% of the ones I’ve run across. They usually devolve into fit-Tab-A-into-Slot-B choreography or gauzy ecstasy-without-drugs blathering, which in either case stops the story absolutely cold for however many pages the gymnastics take up. Even good writers often turn out embarrasingly bad prose when it comes to describing sex.

    I tend to believe that how the participants get to bed, and what they do/say after playtime is done, reveals far more about them than which orifices get a workout in between.

    Every page is supposed to earn its keep by how it advances the story. This applies to sex scenes as much as to any other kind of scene — or at least, should do. Too often this seems to not be the case.

  24. Allison Brennan

    I write romantic suspense, tending to fall on the suspense side, and I painstakingly work out the love scene to be both organic to the story and fit the characters. Some scenes are more graphic than others, some more emotional, some more physical, some sad, some wild. It depends on the characters. In RS it’s even more important to have the love scene fit because usually there are high stakes, a crime, a race-against-time and while danger sex is always fun 😉 . . . it can’t be stupid, i.e. a quickie when a killer is lurking outside or someone is in jeopardy. The scene and everything that comes before and after should advance the plot, and I always hope that the love scene both raises and changes the stakes. SOMETHING needs to change for the characters and/or story or better, both. Sex (and love) complicates things, and it should definitely do so in not only a romance novel, but any genre story where a relationship is part of the story or a subplot.

    There should always be a balance of physical and emotional connection, whether you’re writing short and non-graphic scenes or long and detailed scenes. And of course, the characters need to be in character 🙂

  25. Alexandra Sokoloff

    I know, Allison, it spooks me a little, too. But I think you should always just post whatever you’re thinking, even when we overlap. I love taking the same dance class from two different teachers to get a different take on the same choreography – I think it would be great to team tag these topics, sometimes.

  26. Alexandra Sokoloff

    Lance, I know exactly what you mean… I also think sometimes people don’t take into account that certain genres PROMISE sex scenes, it’s the equivalent of action scenes in other genres. So while it bores me senseless to have a whole chapter of action, and I’ll skip – I’ll happily savor a good sex scene, even read it aloud for – someone who might equally enjoy that particular kind of thrill.

    But I never complain about finding – gasp! – action scenes in a thriller. It’s my choice to read them or skim them, but I expect them there as part of the genre.

  27. karenfrommentor

    Great post Alex and really interesting discussion thread.
    [you know you’ve struck a chord when the thread goes in so many different directions]

    I’m so used to writing in sex scenes to progress the story arc in crime/mystery stories that now that I’m working on a young adult novel I find myself having to dial back the eroticism. It’s just so damn easy…. once you’ve got the BFF’s deep in the forest, in the moonlight with danger all around them….for the mind to go that direction; but then I remember that they’re 12…. and write something age appropriate…. [grins at you]

    Thanks for the thought provoking piece.
    Karen :0)

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