Nice Hat, Dude

By Cornelia Read

[I have no excuse, except that nothing says “Christmas Tradition” to me like stoned grownups and a bunch of twinkly lights wrapped around some palm trees…

Yeah, whatever, so it’s a cactus. So sue me.]

It was, like, whoooooa… Christmas, and all through So-Cal*

Not a stoner was surfing, neither Local nor Val**;

Our longboards were leaned up against the garage,

Cause we’d totally scarfed on pâté and fromage;

My best dudes were sacked out all biffed in their beds,

While visions of shred-betties*** danced in their heads;

And my chick in her drug rug****, and me in my Uggs,

Had just smoked a bowl of our taste Maui Bud,

When on the canal there arose such a ruckus,

I rolled out our hammock and said, “dude, what the fuck’s this?”

Cross the lawn I rocked steady, still awesomely cas’****

‘Til I’d unlatched the moon gate and sparked up some hash.

The moon on the breast of the tidewater’s flow

Gave the lustre of mid-day to this fat dude below,

He was riding a gondola, toking off a fat spliff

With all these, like, deer hanging out… um… him with.

He totally smiled up at me, sly and quick,

And I was all, like, “Dude, you’re that awesome St. Nick!”

Then he went, “Cha, kid, you’re onto my trip,”

And I was all stoked to be totally hip.

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly, like, elf,

That I so laughed my ass off, in spite of myself;

He chucked me this zip-loc of mushrooms, way phat,

And I said, “Dude you are awesome, and rockin’ that hat!”

Then I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he rowed out of sight,

“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night.”


*Southern California.

**People from “The Valley.” Which, as a pal of my sister Elena’s once pointed out, “is kind of like your best friend’s little sister. Hot, flat, and you don’t want to go there.”

*** Chicks who surf.












**** Short for “casual.” Pronounced cazh.


16 thoughts on “Nice Hat, Dude

  1. Stephen Jay Schwartz

    Holy bjesus, Bat Girl! That was one hell of a ride!
    But, y'know, that's just the way we roll here in SoCal. And I recognize all those shots of the Venice Canals. I even recognize the shot of the shrooms. If I could only find where I put them….

  2. Reine

    SO AMAZING DUDE!!!! You are like totally fucking awesome! Auntie Mom has all the cactus hung with giant Christmas balls. We're headed up the hill in Rancho Mirage, and will be there any minute. Have a great one! Muah! XXXXXXXX. <3

  3. lil Gluckstern

    Just wonderful. Where do you find these things? Merry Christmas, and thanks for all the fun and talk-to all of you.

Comments are closed.