Ah, it’s that time of year again… when I wonder whether I should just throw in the shopping towel, wander up Telegraph Avenue here in Berkeley, and settle for buying a random three dozen tie-dyed shirts for those on my gift list and call it a day.
If you, like me, have waited far too long to get your consumerial butt in gear, and/or if you have a darkly snarky sense of the holiday spirit (and/or/or are buying for those who do), I have the following suggestions to offer.
Granted, not all of these are gettable in time for Chanukah, Kwanzaa, Ramadan and that other holiday with the tree and everything, but you can either consider them New Year’s gifts or get a head-start on next year, mmmkay? (click on prices for ordering info links)
To begin with, my top choice for a holiday gift myself, in case you’re feeling generous:
Yes, from Glamguns.com–the people who brought you the custom pink “Hello Kitty” AK-47–it’s the “Motha T,” a Mother-Theresa-themed rocket-propelled-grenade launcher. The item bears a genuine photographic portrait of the lady herself, and a relevant quotation from her body of work:
“Be faithful in small things, because it is in them that your strength lies.
For the bowler in your life, here’s a great way to let them say, “Die, you moth#%$^&@ing last pin in the spare, DIE!”
Yes, a clear Lucite bowling ball with a skull inside. Doesn’t that just scream “holiday cheer”? I thought so.
Cranium tribal skull bowling ball, a mere $129.99
Continuing with the skull theme, here’s another one I’d really like to find in my own shopping, since I have decided my New Year’s resolution is to become a Somali pirate and take over a tanker filled with ice cold Veuve Clicquot–Yo heau heau!:
Three-by-five foot pirate flag, suitable for flying from the yardarm of my imaginary boat, La Pol Roger Jolie $11.95 (CHEAP!)
For the person who does NOT believe it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas, thank you very much:
Nihilist mints. These are the Omar-from-The Wire– Bad-asses of the mint world, and they have no flavor, because we nihilists don’t need no steeking flavor, you feel me?
Set of two sleek, black boxes of angst-ridden candy, a mere $4.95
And if you feel like you’re being a little skimpy, only throwing unflavored mints in somebody’s stocking, add a box of these:
Gummy maggots. What’s not to like? If you get bored you can always pretend you’re eating palm grubs, like the Tasaday.
Set of two $4.95
For the serious crime writer in your life, I offer this ineffable desktop reference companion:
I’ve found it an invaluable writing resource, and reading it’s also a great way to get a whole row of seats to yourself on just about any subway car in the world, especially if you have a companion copy of Practical Sexual Homicide Investigation resting in your lap to boot.
Lots of pictures in both. Not for the faint of heart… $99.95
For those concerned about the current direction of the publishing industry:
A compass hip flask. Sure, there’s no needle on the thing, but it comes filled with whisky, and besides which with a hip pocket full of brown liquor, we don’t need no steenking directions. £35.00, so you KNOW it’s fancy
For those who’ve never seen the aforementioned Hello Kitty AK-47 (because I know you’re wondering):
This baby fires 7.62 mm 125 or 150 grain ammunition with a muzzle velocity of approximately 710 meters per second and a maximum effective range of 300 meters. Faster pussy cat! Kill! Kill! $1072.95
For your next MWA pot-luck party, consider the classic Jell-O brain mold:
My sister has this, and she made some brain Jell-O (one package of lime, one of grape–for authentic-looking gray matter) for the disgusting-food competition at a weekend house party near Donner Pass up in the Sierras a few years ago. (She lost out to the couple who brought the meat-loaf baby in mashed-potato diapers, but got an honorable mention). Talk about brain food… $7.89
Here’s an ice-cube tray worthy of all your most shaken-not-stirred libations. Way cool, especially if you freeze them with an ice pick sticking out of the eye socket, ho ho ho.
If you want to schmancy up your memento-mori on the rocks, try these silver plated skull swizzle sticks, which come packaged in a handsome black resin presentation box:
And what will you drink with all those dark accoutrements? How ’bout some absinthe for making the heart grow fonder…
Mythe Absinthe Traditional is distilled with aniseed, hyssop, vervain, badiane, and–of course– wormwood, for that extra-special creative blur. Touted as having “a creamy lemon character which appears on the finish,” you can have a bottle all to yourself for just $59.90
But what does one wear to drink absinthe? I recommend the Micheline dress in red with leopard trim, from the neo-retro Film Noir line at Pinup Couture:
It’s made of stretchy bengaline and leopard chiffon with a ten-inch slit up the back, and comes sized from XS to 2X, for you and all your best gal pals. I mean, damn… you could drink a Shirley Temple
in that dress and make it sizzle $89
Complete the look with a kickin’ pair of Envy stiletto peep-toe pump:
Get vampy for the low, low price of $42
And, of course, you can’t forget the hat:
They only have one in stock and it’s vintage, so act fast for $35.00
And for later, why not go all out Barbara Stanwyck?
A vintage forties lace-halter negligee, yours for a mere $64
Is your gender more Sam Spade than Effie Perrine? Go for a nice Stetson fedora, in one of six colors:
Impeccably cool for just $140
And should you need shoes go with, try a sharp pair of spectators:
And don’t forget to wear socks with clocks in them. Feets don’t fail me now… $289.25
Finally, a present I think I’d like even more than the Motha T grenade launcher:
It’s an 18k gold antique French poison ring, circa 1814-1830, with a secret compartment for all your nefarious needs–done up with blue enamel and rose-cut diamonds in a sterling floral setting.
Too bad they fingerprinted me that time in Boston, or I might consider taking up my career as a stealthy international jewel thief, at long last.
So what’s the best gift you’ve BOUGHT so far, and who’s it for? Share…
And with that, I wish you all a happy happy merry merry–or, in the immortal words of Jose Feliciano, “Police have my dog.”
Here’s a carol, just for you. Bear with me, it starts getting REALLY good about thirty seconds in: