Dear Summer…

by Toni McGee Causey

 

Dear Summer:

Nice t’ see you. Do you really have to freaking fry my ass this early, though? There’s this thing called moderation. Learn it. Embrace it. We’ll all love you for it.

–melting, and you’re cleaning it up.

 

Dear Spin Class Bicycle:

You’re not serious. Do you not know my ass has been sitting on a soft leather ergonomic office chair for eleventy billion hours? Come back and talk to me when you’re padded. 

–and no, I do not find the “can hold 2 tons” sticker humorous, either. Bite me.

 

Dear Baskin Robbins Double Chocolate Chocolate Chip Ice Cream:

I don’t know how to say this. We have to break up. I know. I know. I promised you it would be forever. It’s just… it’s just that… oh, hell, I can’t take this anymore! You have no idea how damaging you are! You’re addictive, okay? There. I said it. You’re bad for me. Bad! And I’m stronger than this! NO! No, don’t even say it. Not even if you take the chocolate chips out. No, you’re just… I have to go. I can’t do this anymore.

–shut up, I am not crying, I have allergies, that’s all.

 

Dear Spin Cycle Instructor, otherwise known as the Chipper Demon from Hell:

What do you mean, that was just the warm-up?

–and yes, that is a death glare I am giving you, deal with it.

 

Dear Spin Cycle Creator:

Tell Satan I said hello.

–hope you are frying right now.

 

Dear Baskin Robbins Double Chocolate Chocolate Chip Ice Cream:

That was not me with my nose pressed against the window. You should see a doctor about these hallucinations.

–you really didn’t need the restraining order.

 

Dear Summer with your skimpy clothes:

Bitch.

–I always liked Autumn better, anyway.

 

Dear Spin Cycle Instructor, otherwise known as the Chipper Demon from Hell:

Are you out of your mind? You want me to increase the tension on the bike? That was the “easy” part? I have ALREADY been on this torture-cycle FOREVER and EVER and I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE and you cannot expect me to—what? I’ve only been on here 3 ½ minutes?  I have another 50 minutes to go?

–kill me now.

 

Dear Legs,

Look, I know. I know it sucks. It’s hard. But c’mon—see up there in that row in front of us? See that old lady? She’s 87. And she’s riding that damned bike way better than you are. You cannot let a little old 87 year-old out-ride you, now, can you? That’s it, that’s it…. You can do it.

–will one day be proud of you.

 

Dear Legs:

Telling me to ‘fuck off and die’ is not very nice. Just for that, I’m gonna follow the instructor and make you stand up and pump those pedals.

–ha! We’ll see who’s boss.

 

Dear Floor:

Thank you for catching me. Again.

–I would move if I could feel my legs

 

Dear Summer:

I am writing a harshly worded letter to your boss.

–and no, not even your pretense at giving me more time to read is gonna help you any.

 

Dear Baskin Robbins Double Chocolate Chocolate Chip Ice Cream:

So. Yeah. You’re looking good. Great, actually. Love what you did with the cone, there. Me? Oh, nothing. Really. Just, you know, here and there. Working out. Yeah, rocking the spin cycle. Oh, yeah, I’m really good at it. Yeah. Oh? You heard about that? No no, it was just those six times that I fell. Anyway, just… hanging out. Happened to be in your neighborhood. So…. you, um, seein’ anyone?

~*~

So how about you? What are you doing this summer?

~*~

Quick note – book 2 in the BOBBIE FAYE series — GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE GUNS — is out on TUESDAY, JUNE 30TH. Read an excerpt here.

CONTEST — everyone who comments will be eligible for a drawing for one  SIGNED copy of (book one) CHARMED AND DANGEROUS, + a $25 gift certificate to Borders ~or~ BN.com ~or~ Amazon, + some Louisiana goodies. WINNER to be chosen next Saturday announced NEXT SUNDAY at the end of Allison’s blog.


Follow me on Twitter:  http://twitter.com/ToniMcGeeCausey

 

 


68 thoughts on “Dear Summer…

  1. Zoë Sharp

    Hi Toni

    LMAO – and considering I also spend eleventy billion hours sitting on an ergonomic office chair, that should give you some idea of how much I laughed …

    Another terrific post.

    Erm, just one thing – what’s a Spin Cycle? Because, to us Brits, it’s where the washing machine started hopping across the laundry room floor …

    Reply
  2. Chris Hamilton

    Spinning is a form of torture developed at Guantanamo Bay to get information out of alleged terrorists. It involves creating a bicycle with pedals that require 2349 foot/pounds of pressure to move, and requiring you to pump the pedals like they’re on the Big Wheel you had as a kid.

    Some enterprising genius (the Chipper demon person’s boss) decided that it would be a great exercise routine, specifically to cause Toni to fall to the floor in agony.

    Chris

    Reply
  3. billie

    I think the summer heat has totally fried my brain – I just went to your website and sat there wondering how in the world you managed to have THREE NEW BOOKS coming out between June and August of the same year! And why are you calling them books one, two, and three when they are three, four, and five?

    Duh!

    I think I get it now!

    Great post – with me it’s yoga, the plank pose specifically, and key lime pie. 🙂

    Reply
  4. Sylvia

    A great laugh with a good cup of coffee this morning!

    Summer is consisting of…

    – More laundry. Why does the volume of laundry go up on the summer? Aren’t the kids supposed to live in swimsuits?

    – More work. C’mon recession summer, get over it already

    – Library trips… sorry authors but the budget isn’t allowing for book store trips right now so I’m enjoying reads from the Library. All 3 kids now proudly march in with library cards and pester the children’s librarian to death while I sneek down to the Mystery section. So nice to see all your names there.

    – Walk. Yes, I need to walk – more.

    – Swim, where have you been?

    – Writing… sure.

    Don’t forget the sunblock.

    Reply
  5. jim duncan

    I too hate skimpy summer clothes. They don’t do my pasty white flesh any justice at all. Spin cycle? What is this exercise thing you speak of? It has a very, VERY faint ring of familiarity. My ass however is now complaining that it does not have a soft, leather ergonomic chair to park itself in. I’ll be hearing about that for the rest of the day now. Thanks!

    Reply
  6. Jen Forbus

    OH MY GOD! My sides hurt! I need to be in the spin cycle class but I’m too intimidated! I’m settling for a 4-mile walk with the dog who wants to run and a general exercise class at the library. I’m a wimp!! 🙂 Great post, Toni! Love it!!

    Reply
  7. Silver James

    Girl, it is waaaay to early in the morning to be snorting coffee…or spinning. And way too hot to do anything but sip mimosas under the AC. Just sayin’….

    CHARMED AND DANGEROUS is next on the TBR mountain. Can’t wait to figure out the "new" material you added back in.

    Reply
  8. Barb

    ROFLMAO

    love it Tonie.

    Am off to indulge in the double chocolate fudge in my freezer since i lost an ounce lauging. 🙂

    Reply
  9. Nicole Hicks

    This summer? Ugh, its dealing with doctors, my teens new boyfriend, a 6 year old who does NOT want to go out in the Texas heat to play, a three year old who wants to go to school(THANK GOODNESS!), and a house that doesn’t want to cool down! LOL But other than that summer is going swimmingly! 🙂 Thanks for the laugh! I definitely needed it!

    Reply
  10. toni mcgee causey

    I am glad to see I am not the only one who is having a very cranky relationship with summer and exercising. (Chris, that was a *perfect* explanation, thank you.)

    Whoever left that last note #14 right above this one, let me know your name so you can be entered in the contest.

    Reply
  11. Sue Kelly

    In my neck of the woods, way up north, its more like this:

    Dear Summer,

    Get your ass out of bed. Seriously. As much as we love our southern neighbours, we are getting jelous, cold and bitter. 8 months a year of winter is pushing it just a bit. When your wintery husband doesn’t leave until May and plans on returning in October, the least you can do is show up to work on time. In fact, if you don’t get your butt up here, we will have no option but to let you go and find a more suitable candidate for the position.

    Cold in Canada

    Reply
  12. Sara J. Henry

    This is hilarious. Me, a week or so ago I gave up all sugar and sugar-related products, all processed carbs, all yeast and mold (okay, most – I did dribble some salad dressing on my tuna) when I realized that I likely may be having editor meetings in NYC at some point in the near future and cannot show up in my baggy overalls or stretch yoga pants that are fine for small-town Vermont. After severe withdrawal symptoms I’m pleased to report I’m no longer hallucinating chocolate ice cream cones and crispy potato chips.

    Introducing more vigorous exercise than dog-walking comes next. One hurdle at a time.

    Reply
  13. Stephen Jay Schwartz

    You’re good, Toni. G-O-O-D!
    You had me cracking up, spitting my high-energy, high-protein soy-milk fruit drink all over the keyboard. Thank you for that. You’ll get the tech bill. Bitch.

    Reply
  14. hockeyvampiress

    I have yet to read your books but I do enjoy your comments when I am reading Dakotas yahoo group comments…. Maybe a new book and GC would help me …. LOL

    Reply
  15. Pete

    This is exactly what I needed this morning.
    Summer, can we stop with the rain already?
    I know you’re helping with the lawn and everything, but seriously just stop.
    I’ve already compiled my reading pile and since I can’t sleep with all the heat and humidity it’s the perefect time to read. (Like I really need an excuse for reading)
    Thanks for the funny post Toni, and looks like I’ll be adding another book to my reading list!

    Reply
  16. Bea

    Poor Toni. It’s the Baskin Robbin’s Jamoca Almond Fudge that gets me every time.

    This summer, have no plans to do anything more than movies and walking on the weekends. Will be starting at the gym though. Have to get ready to fit into that wedding dress next year. Ugh.

    Reply
  17. Denise Elrod

    Loved Chamed & Dangerous!! The only BobbIe Faye book I have read so far, but not the last!!! As soon as financially able, I’ll be getting the rest!!

    Reply
  18. Toni McGee Causey

    First of all, you’re killing me!!!!! You are too funny! If you want to be Miss Crankypants, you go right ahead, I got your back babe!!! Love your sense of humor it makes my day.

    Lynda

    Reply
  19. Louise Ure

    My usual plaint is:

    Dear San Francisco Summer,

    Enough with the "I just want to be different than everybody else," already. Gray is not a good color for anyone, and these goosebumps make me look like I have a communicable disease. Fog is fine every once in a while, but three solid months of it? Get over your bad self."

    But today … ah, today … it’s blue skies and 79. I’m spending the day on the roof deck.

    Reply
  20. JT Ellison

    Toni, you and your mind are absolutely precious. Thanks for the great boost this morning, and best of luck Tuesday.

    And folks, definitely follow Toni on Twitter for more quips and bon mots. It’s worth it.

    Reply
  21. Allison Brennan

    I needed a laugh!

    I knew Alex was sadistic. You’re not supposed to LIKE spin cycle. You’re supposed to like it AFTER you get off the damn bike and look like you rode a horse for six hours as you waddle to the showers . . . wait, you’re tall and skinny. Bitch.

    I hate exercise, but I’ll admit I love that rush when I’m done being tortured and actually don’t want coffee. 🙂

    And it’s 100 degrees here and not even 11 am. I’m miserable. I hate the heat. HATE it. HATE IT!!!!
    Spring? Love it. Winter, great. Autumn, my fave. Summer? Ugh.

    Reply
  22. Qwill

    LOLLOL I’ll be working, gardening and cycling (on a bike outside) for much of the summer. But not all at once. It’s finally hot here after way too much rain so I am not going to complain.

    Reply
  23. Christina Cross

    Toni, I am soooo feeling ya on the exercise. I just went to the gym for the first time in years. I only LISTENED to the spin class while I rode the recumbent bike and I was annoyed as hell. And dying after 9 minutes. 9 freaking minutes!!I was so traumatized, I went home and ate chocolate chips out of the fridge.

    Reply
  24. Haven Rich

    OMFGS Toni! I’ve been wanting to start working out too. Only I figure my body will revolt against me and refuse to work for days.

    And that 87 y/o lady…I’d have her tested for steroids lol. No one over 21 should look good in a spin class. There’s a rule somewhere about that.

    And Summer, should so be fired! For the record, I always liked Winter more!

    This next week I’ll be traveling to a place that has dry heat, not this humidity crap. I’m dying here! A recluse because it’s too damn hot to go outside.

    Do have fun at the conference though! Look forward to talking to you when you return.

    Reply
  25. Becky (BeckyTwo)

    Toni, I love you. I do. Especially because you know I’m miserable right along with ya!! LOL

    I’m doing summer classes at UL, so I’m getting a nice tan on my face and shoulders. Yeah, silver lining and all that. That’s enough exercise for me, doing the walk around campus and the walk to and from the city bus.

    Looking forward to going pick up book 2 this week! Squee!!

    Reply
  26. Kimberly B.

    Thanks for the great laugh! I’m right there with you on the ice cream—it’s just as well that I don’t know where the nearest Baskin-Robbins is!

    Reply
  27. Double T

    Love the post. Can relate about summer. Sometimes it can be Hot as hell and then cool off to where you wonder where you put your jacket. Usually in the same week. Talk about mother natures mood swings. When it does decide to get hot, it really gets hot. Triple digit hot for about 2 weeks. That is when the beautiful green hills turn brown and you hope they don’t turn black (wild fires).
    Exercise, blaak, I just take the dog for a walk, (ok so maybe she is draggin me down the street).

    Its the cookies and cream ice cream that gets to me. Lucky for me with 2 growing boys it doesn’t stay around for very long,

    Reply
  28. Sweetiepiepen

    LOVE IT!! "Eleventy billion" is my new favorite number! Can’t wati for the new book on Tuesday!

    Reply
  29. Lois Baron

    Resenting the hell out my computer that refuses to play sound. As if I want to sit here and listen to NOTHING. And I can’t even switch to the downstairs desktop because it refuses to boot.And I can’t switch to my laptap because my daughter (who won’t admit it) bent the power cord so the thing won’t even come on, let alone get around to not booting. And yes, it’s planning on raining outside so I can’t work out my frustrations by pulling weeds.

    Buy hey, I hope I win the drawing.

    xo,
    Lois

    Reply
  30. Alexandra Sokoloff

    Allison, any exercise class in which I am not the one shouting instructions as I am doing the workout, monitoring the class, and trying to breathe at the same time is a piece of cake, relatively.

    There is nothing like having been a teacher to make simply DOING the exercise seem simple.

    Reply
  31. Chris J.

    Hey Toni!
    Lmao! Great Blog and I am so feeling the iron skillet of heat. I mean seriously Mother Nature needs to get that menapause looked into because I can fry eggs on my sidewalk, use the car parked in the driveway as a heat sauna….yeah except I would pass out in like 1 1/2 minutes! and the plants and grass are screaming I tell ya! You can see there shriveled up parts and hear the tiniest little cries! It’s scary here in south Texas!
    Please lady up above who can’t weed do to rain lets trade….PLEASE!!!! Shhh, don’t tell her she would fry and her *** would be a burnt crispy 2 seconds after she sat down to weed. lol
    I say Bobbi Faye needs to take down the Demon Arobics teacher!
    Rock on Toni!!

    Reply
  32. Anne-Kathrine

    OMG i needed that!!! Def tooo funny. Congrats on the books. Hope amazon decides to be nice and put it on kindle!

    Love your books/

    Hugs,
    Anne-Kathrine

    Reply
  33. Pammy D

    Getting the new edition of BF’s next book this week. Yay! Spin Class is evil. Have you gone to the dark side, Toni? Do we need to do an exorcism? And don’t even think about Kettle Chips. I swear those things have crack in them. How come when I was young and barely worked out, I didn’t have squishy parts hanging out of inappropriate body areas? And I didn’t even appreciate that fact. Sad.

    Reply
  34. Tom

    Dear Evil Summer Scheduler at the Publisher of Toni’s Creations:

    What did I ever do to you? Why are you treating me this way?

    I know you know what happened last time you sent forth a Bobbie Faye novel. Everyone knows it, and there’s no reason to think it won’t happen again!

    Damn you anyway.

    So thanks a lot. I’m still on conditional suspension from the aftermath of reading KINDA SORTA, NOT EXACTLY in the cafeteria at work, and laughing so hard that people suspected me of recreational drug use on company property. Do you know how humiliating it is to be sent off to fill up the little sample bottles? With an escort? Even when the analysis comes back clean? So they think you’re just crazy, if not a druggie?

    My record was going to be expunged in two months. They were going to let me back into the Spinning In The Swimming Pool Class. Now, this – and how am I supposed to resist Bobbie Faye? No one can resist Bobbie Faye! You bastards!!!!

    Reply
  35. Dru

    That was too funny.

    I feel that way about going to work as you do about summer and exercising. Oh if I can just win $1million so I can retire.

    Best wishes on Tuesday for your release date.

    Reply
  36. toni mcgee causey

    Seriously, how much do I love you people? I would even share my chocolate ice cream with you. And I wouldn’t even begrudge you getting the extra chocolate chips! And I wouldn’t even tell you your car was on fire so I could steal the last spoonful, even if it was the last spoonful on earth. Ever.

    Reply
  37. Jody W.

    Great stuff! (the double chocolate chip chocolate ice cream and the blog…not the spin class) I need to break up with my recliner, but it’s so passive aggressive I never seem to get anywhere.

    Reply
  38. Dana

    I love how you communicate with non-responsive things [they’re just stubborn]. Or maybe you just have the power to make things talk…. 😀

    Woo for you!

    Reply
  39. BCB

    Oh, thank you! That was laugh out loud funny — takes a rare talent to do that. Add me to the list of those buying your books.

    I suppose it would be kinda, sorta, um, Not Very Nice to tell you I gave up wheat a week ago and lost five pounds without really even trying. Been eating rice and potatoes and even potato chips instead. Because sometimes you just need crunchy and salty, even if you can’t eat Cheez-Its.

    So now you’ve inspired me. Next week, I’m dusting off the treadmill. Plan to swear profusely at it every day and see whether I can make another five pounds disappear. Week after that, I might plug it in and see whether the damn thing still works.

    Reply
  40. Allison Brennan

    Alex: I see your point. I can still loathe you though, right? I’ve never been tall and willowy . . . even when I’m in shape I’d never be considered slender . . . But I have gotten to the point with my trainer that if I don’t hurt the next day I don’t think he did his job. I had a sore butt on Saturday and I was thrilled because that meant my gluteus maximus was being worked. Hate squats and lunges while doing them . . .

    Reply
  41. Alana Abbott

    Ha! Excellent post. My summer is going to be full of sailing and hanging out at the beach — and quite possibly MAKING ice cream, which has become quite the hobby for us. 🙂

    Reply
  42. Shannon Jensen

    Got a great laugh out of this, especially your break-up cycle with the B&R DCC ice cream.

    For me this summer it has been the Dairy Queen Banana Cream Pie Blizzard and if I’m lucky my exercise is to walk instead of drive to the DQ! Wow!

    Aside from life stuff, we are ramping up to kick off our summer reading program at our library and we’re very excited about the theme of Be Creative @ your library! It’s going to be a fun one this year!

    We’ll see how I feel 5 weeks from now! =)

    Reply
  43. kitty

    The strangest damn thing happened. While reading this post, Lauper’s Girls Just Wanna Have Fun was playing in the background on tv.
    Then I read the title of the next book
    Now I’m thinking if I win this contest I’m gonna hit the floor.

    Funny post, as always, Toni.

    I do my hour on the treadmill every other day and every minute of it is just rough.

    Reply
  44. toni mcgee causey

    omigosh, i just woke up my husband becuase i was laughing and snorting so loudly. now he wants me to turn off the computer and go to bed. see what you have done?!?
    dawn
    p.s. my summer plans now include showing spin class bicycle who’s really boss, double chocolate chocolate chip ice cream (hey, you broke up!) and reading your book. 🙂

    Reply
  45. mikaela

    Your post was fun to read, and it reminded me that I should go to the gym. sigh. But this summer I am revising a novella. I aim to be done before I leave for Portugal, next week. A tough, but possible schedule.

    Reply
  46. Beverly G

    just falls over laughing all i can say is that was hillarious as for me summer time all im doing is a lil gardening training a very stubborn puppy whos rather smart reading some spending time with my family before i move with my fiance other then that my summers pretty uneventful ty for the laugh i needed it

    Reply
  47. Marisa

    Very funny! I hope your legs are obeying you again! (Have your restarted your relation with Baskin Robbins Double Chocolate Chocolate Chip Ice Cream yet?) Don’t let Chipper Demon from Hell tell you it’s bad.

    Best regards

    Marisa

    Reply
  48. Debby Creager

    Laughter is good exercise isn’t it?If so I am really getting fit. Great posts. I feel better now about summer and exercising in general. I had a gastric bypass in Dec.-08 and I need more exercise and more weight loss. I am still not wearing anything the least bit skimpy. Maybe some day. I also grow poultry for a living so I just hate summer in general.
    Debby Creager
    cleo@hbeark.com

    Reply
  49. Debby

    OMG!!! Toni….my thoughts exactly! And now there is only one day until Book 2! Woo hoo!!!! Just the perfect book for heading into a weekend of fireworks.

    Reply
  50. Danette

    I’ll probably indulge in some thrifty chocolate malted cruncd ice cream. Especially if the weather keeps spiking past the 100’s.

    I’ve got an English class for most of the summer, so I’l be writing and reading.
    Throw in some fun with the kids and hopefully some liesure reading 😀

    Hugs, danette

    Reply
  51. Stacy McKitrick

    Maybe Summer heard you, because the high today is only expected to be in the high 60’s (Dayton OH area).

    I plan on relaxing this summer and finishing up my first book. Yeah, writing to me is relaxing. Wish I discovered that years ago – I could have used it!

    Reply
  52. Tamara B.

    What I am doing this Summer is loosing my mind with two tweens out of school for their Summer break. What I wuld give for a nice little vacy on a deserted island somewhere LOL Toni, I sure can relate to you comment to Dear Spin Class Bicycle you had me laughing aren’t those instructers just animals? Hope you have a wonderful Summer 🙂

    Reply

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