Ah yes, it’s that time of year again… when I want to shoot out all public-address-system speakers playing Christmas carols, nuke DJs who play “Little Drummer Boy” ad nauseum, and pepper-spray anyone who has a problem with people who say “Happy Holidays” instead of religion-specific greetings. Ahem.
With that in mind, here’s a list of holiday gift ideas for those with a dark-adapted heart…
Hey, five-inch heels, golden studs, and bejeweled skulls… what’s not to love? Am thinking of wearing the black version to my daughter’s deb party. Especially because somehow the blue version costs about five hundred bucks more.
$717 at net-a-porter, originally $1195. What a bargain!
For that annoying aunt who objects to profanity and can’t ever seem to remember where you live…
Sure, you can get them for five bucks on Canal Street, and this website charges $9.95, but still. Ossum.
I prefer to think of this little number as unisex. And then you have the perfect reason to encourage your breeder friends to wander around pushing strollers while singing “I’m a Lumberjack And I’m Okay.”
Reasons to live.
Because, hey, when you blow shit up? You want to make sure you’re color-coordinated.
Okay, I’m going to hold out for the “Tickle-Me” version, but still… way better than Elmo.
“We will send a spectacular bouquet of crap for you!” claims the website. Complete with really ratty, awful-looking card.
Roses or mixed floral bouquets, $19.95-$100
Does your loved one’s lunch get stolen out of a communal fridge? Put an end to that in a big fat hurry!!
Ah, if only I were still married, I finally have the perfect gift for my ex-belle mere.
When caffeine just doesn’t cut it, in the morning, throw a good scare into them! (Also comes in “Shark Attack.”)
Because man cannot live on latkes alone.
Dude. You know you want it.
13. Big Brother Bag
For those Republican relatives who are averse to recycling.
I don’t know about you, but I’D sure like an Edgar. Hand painted.
Santa would much rather find you wearing these than a plate of stale Chips Ahoy. And that goes double for you, Corbett.
Five-inch heels, concealed platform.
Give the gift of the unexpected.
From the glamguns.com website:
The Glambo Signature Series “My Little Pony” M4A1 carbine with forward handgrip and AN-PVS4 night vision sight. This fully functional weapon fires standard 5.56mm ammunition — great for those AR-15 fans with extra ammo lying around the house or even extra parts! (Note: the full-auto selection has been disabled in this model in favor of three-round-burst. This product cannot be shipped to California.) The perfect way to introduce your little princess to the wonders of nocturnal wet-work!
Eat your heart out, California.
Fess up, ‘Ratis… what do you want for the holidays?