Jeffrey Cohen

It takes a village to raise a child, and it took a team to help me create this book. Honestly, for something that’s supposed to be a solitary effort, I don’t know how I could have gotten through it without the help of a good number of people whose names don’t appear on the cover, but who contributed in vital, undeniable ways. So I’d like to thank just a few individuals:

First, I’d like to thank the Apple Computer company for creating the iMac on which I wrote this book. And to Bill Gates, for founding Microsoft, the company that made the software with which I wrote it. And then making gazillions of dollars by crushing anyone who got in his way, and then for taking some of his gazillions of dollars and giving it to people who might cure diseases, which I’m hoping not to get because of his efforts. Thanks, Bill.

Major props out there to Johann Gutenberg, who invented the movable type press in 1447. Couldn’t have done it without you, Johann.

And folks, let’s put our hands together for Edgar Allan Poe, who some say invented the detective story all by himself. Of course the book of Genesis contains the first known depiction of a murder (Cain v. Abel), but that one gave away the killer pretty early on (which I suppose places it in the “thriller” category). So we’ll give it to Poe. Nice job, there, Ed.

A shoutout to Charles Dickens, who didn’t get to finish The Mystery of Edwin Drood, but wrote enough of it that Rupert Holmes could give up singing about Pina Coladas and make a nice musical. Too bad you didn’t get to let us know whodunnit, Chuck, but you know, best of times, worst of times, and all that.

As a personal aside, I’d like to thank George M. Steinbrenner III, for spending $200-million a year on his payroll and then having to knock down the most famous sports arena since the Colosseum to build an $800-million stadium right next door with fewer seats in it because he’s losing money on the deal. That’s the way to run a baseball team, George. Seriously, I appreciate your dedication to putting the best players on the field. You didn’t have anything to do with writing this book, but that kind of looney logic deserves some recognition. Enjoy your extra luxury boxes.

While I’m on the subject, good work Abner Doubleday for getting the whole baseball thing started, or at least taking credit for it. And nice publishing house, as well, Ab.

But back to the book: there are so many others to whom I’m indebted, like the inventor of ink, the guy who first cut down a tree and made paper out of it (I say “guy” because a woman would never get an idea that dizzy), the first person to write down stuff that wasn’t true and say, “I’m not lying; I’m a novelist,” and naturally, the first person to give him money for that, then charge the public three times that much and call himself a publisher. If the liar who started it had thought of that himself, what a different world this would be, no?

For no particular reason, thanks to John Lennon, Abraham Lincoln, Albert Einstein, Harpo Marx, Mickey Mantle, Abigail Adams, Jon Stewart, Robert B. Parker, Gene Roddenberry, Ernest Lehman, Cicero, Groucho Marx, Harriet Tubman, Alfred Hitchcock and of course, Mel Gibson, just for being himself.

And of course, thank you to my lovely wife and children, whom I’ll be able to name once they get out of the Author’s Protection Program. You’re my inspiration.

Thanks to every other author I cajoled, coerced and otherwise tricked into blurbing this tome. I’d like to say you can count on me to reciprocate, but you probably can’t. On the plus side, though, my name on your book probably would drive sales down, so you’re actually ahead of the game on this one.

But mostly, I’d like to express my appreciation to my brilliant agent, who sold this turkey when I had no idea what it was about, and my supremely talented editor, who turned it into something coherent.

And last, I’d like to thank each and every one who bought my last book. I have the list of names right here…