Oh, I'd like to give you a blog with all the metaphors tied up prettily, a big fat box that rattles when you shake it, makes you curious and your eyes light up as you rip into each simile. I'd like to dance with you under the lights, toast to the pleasure of having had you for company this year, and sit with you around the fire, listening to your stories. You have been a gift to us, all of you who visit here. You have sustained us and comforted us, commiserated and empathized. Cheered us on and felt our rage when we've slammed against the cage.
I had all these plans this week of putting on a big spread, something sprinkled with kindness and a big plate of happy over there in the middle of the table for everyone. Something that would take all our minds off this guttering economy and screeching wails of war that never seems to end, of terrorists and taxes and these-crimes-these-days-itis. Unfortunately, I've finished polishing a draft and my brain looks like an over-stuffed closet exploded all over the place and I have no clue where I'm going to shove all of this stuff, nor what I've done with the important bits and pieces that might have made up a coherent celebration of Good and Just and Overflowing Milk and Honey Buffet… hell, I can't even find the crackers right now, so I hope you'll forgive me. And if I could, I would send gifts to every single one of you, but I don't think the forty-two cents in the bottom of my purse is going to stretch far enough for that, and so, I give you a few things I've gathered. I nudge them out into the circle, hoping you'll enjoy. One is hand-made, and the others are things I think will give you a smile:
For a Christmas laugh, I give you When In Doubt, Throw Hard Candy (aka, The Santa From Hell)
For a writing-related post I know all you creative types will relate to, go read Libba Bray's Writing a Novel
And not for the bashful (probably not work safe), there's R-rated (raunchy) Amy G and her talent with the kazoo. [Now watch, there'll be a stampede over to YouTube just because I said 'raunchy'.]
Or, you may be like me and want one of the Despairware t-shirts
Meanwhile, are you reading Mir? You will love Mir at Woulda Coulda Shoulda, trust me on this. I'll tell you that you'd also enjoy reading Heather over at Dooce, but I don't even know where to tell you to start with Heather. Just plunge in, because there's always something funny over there. Same thing with Joshilyn at Faster than Kudzu.
So this is my wish for you, this holiday season–that something gives you a smile. That in spite of loss and unemployment, bitter winds and worse news, there's something that happens this week that warms you and gets you through. And while you're at it, if you have something funny you can share or a holiday wish, send 'em along.
I just read the hard candy post, laughed til I cried, and then sent the link to everyone I know. My god, thank you so much. What a great way to wake up!
thanks, NS!
oh, boy! New blogs to read! W00t!
Dusty is happy with new blogs to read. I’m running the other direction! I know I’ll succumb to the temptation, but I already spend enough time bloghopping to impact my writing.
Argh. Thank for nothing, Toni 😉
Actually, one thing I’ve noticed in Albuquerque is that more people have sprung for Christmas lights this year than in years past. I think it’s the same impulse as in your blog today. They want more outward happiness, more cheer, this year.
OMG, the hard candy!! You just made me laugh so hard I practically fell out of bed, Toni. Thank you! I will never look at a Santa the same way.
And this might be difficult, as my mother’s new boyfriend moonlights as a professional Santa, with an agent and everything. Apparently, he charges $150 an hour. Bet he throws like a little girl, though.
OK, Amy G is not only my laugh for the day, she’s my laugh for the week.
And those T-shirts have now become Christmas presents for my entire family.
The Santa story gets me every time. But I should shoot you now for giving me more blogs to read. I don’t have time. Grr. I’m about to go to church. I thought maybe I’d skip it because I have this book due tomorrow and I really need the full 24 hours in a day to get it (nearly) done. But then I thought, if I skip it, will I then be hit with lightning, in the form of a disgruntled muse who decides to get drunk, party, and then I have to clean up the puke my book has become? Catholic guilt is powerful. (Is it a sin to pray for yourself in the prayer of the faithful?) Wish me luck, folks. It’ll be a long night.
Dusty, I should warn you, a couple of those are habit-forming. [I am a champion blog procrastinator.]
Yeah, that’s it exactly, Pari–just thought maybe with the sufficiently grim news this past week, we could all do with a couple of laughs.
Cornelia… thank you! And I am cracking up at the “throws like a girl” line. [And sometimes people ask me if that story is true or exaggerated and I swear on every holy whatever, that sucker is true.]
Louise, I know, isn’t she hysterical? I mean, I really have got to admire the creativity of a woman who decided to use her glittery hoo ha in conjunction with a kazoo–seriously, who comes up with something like that?… and manage to make the whole thing funny. [Of course, I am reasonably glad I did not choose that route for a career because even at my age, I’m not sure I could explain that one to my dad.]
And I love those t-shirts, too.
Allison, just think, there will be something funny waiting for you when you’re done and need a laugh. That is, if you’re not in a coma for a week from the exhaustion.
Good luck (you will do great) and yeah, that Catholic guilt is amazing. But here’s betting you see something at church or on the way there that sparks something creative that helps you finish the book. Ya never know.
With the days getting shorter, and the economy depressing, we need to share c=some cheer.
These are not laugh out loud sites, but they should give you a smile.
The first, http://birdmanbirds.blogspot.com/ has amazing pictures of birds that I found accidentally, doing some research on birds.
The next, http://whatever.scalzi.com/about/the-canonical-bacon-page/ is John Scalzi’s bacon cat which is funny just because it is.
As a foodie, http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/ is a daily stop for me.
And last, http://www.ustream.tv/channel/shiba-inu-puppy-cam, is just too sweet.
Happy winter to everyone. We have 4 new inches of snow, and we’re off to go sledding.
Thanks for the funny links, Toni. Libba’s love/hate story about novel writing is hysterical, and Jocelyn’s blog had me laughing out loud (and I’m at Barnes&Nobles…w/people looking at me like I’m weird or something). But your blog has chipped away at my semi-serious writing life. Now it will be almost nonexistent with the new blogs to savor. ;-0
And no fair, Fiona! We got a “dusting” last night…hardly enough to qualify as real snow. Enjoy the sledding!
Christmas in Australia always has that touch of perverse to it. It’s usually stinking hot.Humidity off the charts and we’re surrounded with images of a ‘white snowy’ christmas in merchandising. Visual torture as a holdover from our convict days perhaps?
Anyway, with the heat most people seem to get a little troppo. Last Friday I thought I’d go into town to get groceries for dinner. Should of been easy, except I forgot we have an annual street party in the main street. It’s easy to be oblivious once your children aren’t school age. So the street was closed and the traffic diverted directly past a friends place. Too easy to park, and with a short downhill walk later it was a champagne soaked evening, dodging children spraying shaving cream at each other while police stood by so it didn’t get ‘too rowdy’. I eventually shared a taxi home, and ended up making cheese on toast.Grocery-less, but well cheered.
Toni, thanks so much re-sharing the hard candy santa tale. I laughed as hard this year as last. Absolutely nothing gets lost in the retelling.
My mind boggles to think how Amy G discovered her talent.
Allison I truly hope that it isn’t a sin to pray for yourself in the prayer of the faithful, because then that casts my praying successfully for good car parks to a quicker downhill path…aaaiieee.
Best wishes for a happy holiday season, to all Murderati, bloggers and commenters alike. My year has been greatly enlivened on all sorts of levels by stopping in here.
I’m making my way through these one at a time, one a day for the week… Thanks, Toni. Needed a laugh today.