We interrupt our regular blog to bring you this important public service announcement:
Hello. My name is Pari Noskin Taichert. You may know me as a novelist, an award nominee, a convention chair, a features writer, a public relations pro. Some of you have met me in my capacity as a wife, a mother, a cellist, a dog owner . . . but that’s not why I’m here today.
I’m speaking to you on behalf of the CWDC.
For those of you unfamiliar with the Centers for Writer Disease Control (CWDC), ours is a small organization – perpetually ill-funded (but that’s mostly okay) – but dedicated to the health and welfare of our nation’s literature-creating trust. This is no small task. Each year, hundreds of thousands of writers – maybe millions (who’s to say?) – suffer the ravages of
* MOD (Marketing Overwhelment Disorder)
* WBS (Writers’ Block Syndrome)
* EM (EllipsiMania)
* TMD2 (Too Many Details Disorder)
* SSER (Strident Self-Editing Reflex)
* its corollary: NE2R (Non-Existent Editing Reflux)
and other debilitating diseases.
But that’s not why I’m here today.
It has come to our attention (well, my attention since CWDC is really, really small, so small in fact that sometimes it totally disappears and then someone else has to come in with intravenous lattes to revive its director . . .
. . . but that’s not why I’m here today . . .)
Let’s start over. Okay?
It has come to our attention that a new disease is on the rise:
ADWD: Attention Deficit Writing Disorder
(Excuse me? Is that drink for me? Why . . . thank you.)
Symptoms include an inability to focus on . . .
(What? No! I didn’t ask for a soy chai. I wanted a latte.)
. . . on any writing project for more than a . . .
(Get that needle away from me!)
. . . a few minutes at a time.
Writers with this disease are often . . .
(Ow! Really?! Was that necessary?)
. . . spotted with their laptops trying to grab a couple of minutes’ writing in . . .
(Oh, man, I don’t feel so good.)
. . . moving vehicles (which they’re often driving) or at cafes while ostensibly talking with friends.
In other words, not only are they completely unable to focus on projects in their own homes, they also try to work in inappropriate . . .
(Is it hot in here? My tongue feels funny, kinda furry.)
. . . places.
Combined with other conditions, this dangerous disease can result in disjointed plotting, abandoned stories, nonsensical segues. If you supectt ssomeonnnne you know hass thissss dissssorderrrr, plleeeazzz calllllll thisss nummmbbb . . .
The preceding was a public service announcement from CWDC. To donate to the Center, please send money directly to Pari Noskin Taichert. Go ahead. Just wire it right on over. Really. Credit Cards. Checks. Money transfers. She’s set up for PayPal too.
It’s for the Center, after all.