It Go Up and Down and Round And Round...

by J.D. Rhoades

As some of you may have noticed, I am NOT Robert Gregory Browne. This is Rob’s usual week, but he is, as they say,  glutes-high in Alligator mississippiensis. Everyone else in the world seems to be at Thrillerfest. (Heavy sigh). So when Rob  sent out a cry for help, I agreed to take his week, because...well, because  I’m a hell of a guy. It was short notice, so if things seem a bit random and disjointed...well, it’s not like anyone can tell the difference from the way I usually post.

Anyway, here’s what's on my mind recently:

Lately I keep seeing ads for a new Harry Potter-themed amusement park at Universal Studios in Orlando. “You can truly be part of Harry Potter’s World!” the ad promises breathlessly. I  don't know about you, but my first reaction was “I’m not sure I actually want to be part of a  world where an immensely powerful magic user who looks like James Carville's handsomer brother and who has a serious grudge against my family  spends most of his days trying to figure out how to kill me.” But it did get me thinking, which is always a dangerous proposition.

Now, J.K. Rowling seems like a nice lady, and hers is one of the great inspirational stories for writers: deprivation, determination,  rejection, perseverance, and finally riches beyond most people’s dreams of avarice (not beyond mine, but then I feed my dreams of avarice red meat, Wheaties,  and steroids).I'm glad to see her continuing to do well.

But, I  wondered, how is it fair that her characters get a theme park and others don’t? I mean, there are plenty of other writers who create vivid and intensely realized worlds. Why don’t we have them parks for them?

Imagine what forms some of these theme parks might take:

IAN RANKIN’S REBUSWORLD: Enter the world of Edinburgh’s most successful and  most surly detective! Have a drink in the famous Oxford Bar. Make the climb up the full-sized replica of Arthur’s Seat. Have another drink in the famous Oxford bar. Take a refreshing dip on the Firth of Forth waterslide before having another drink, maybe several, in the famous Oxford Bar. Management not responsible for liver damage.

MICHAEL CONNOLLY’S BOSCHLAND: Ride a replica of the Angel’s Flight inclined railway to get to this LA-themed attraction. Explore the scary storm drains of LA in the Black Echo Fun House. Ride the wet and wild Narrows log flume ride. Hope you like jazz, though, ‘cause that stuff’s playing ALL OVER THE FRIGGIN’ PARK.

LEE CHILD’S REACHER-RAMA: there are a lot of great, thrilling and  scary rides, but no matter how much cash or you take in or how many souvenirs you buy, you always walk out of the place with nothing on you but the clothes on your back and your toothbrush.

For you fantasy fans, there’s GEORGE R.R. MARTIN’S ICE N’ FIRE ISLAND: it’s going to be the most awesome thing ever if they can just  get the damn thing finished.

    Hmmm...okay. Maybe not such great ideas after all. But maybe some of you can pick your favorite fictional world (even your own)  and make it into a theme park. Give it a try, won’t you?

   Rob will be back in this spot next week.



Hallelujah, Everybody Say Cheese

by J.D. Rhoades

It's Christmas Eve Eve, as we sometimes say.  I've got to tell you, the motivation to do anything useful has fallen off drastically for me, the closer I get to the 25th. I'm ready for a few days off. Hell, I've been ready for a few days off since I came back from Thanksgiving. So rather than ruminations on writing, marketing, life,  the universe, or everything, I offer you a few laughs for the holidays.

By now, you've probably seen dozens of those YouTube videos of insanely complex Christmas light displays. And everyone by now has heard of the popular video game Guitar Hero. Well, according to this blog, "former Disney Special Effects Guru Ric Turner" has combined the two concepts: 

Using a Nintendo Wii and few high tech lighting controllers from Light-O-rama, Ric has rigged up his very own neighbor-terrorizing, virtual guitar challenge: Christmas Light Hero.

Check it out:

 I think it's worth it just to see the grin on the kid's face.

From the sublime to the...well, kind of disturbing, here's Euro-disco-sensation  Gunther, with the Ding Dong Song (somewhat NSFW):

Pray to the Baby Jesus that that's meant to be a joke.

Speaking of things that were meant to be a joke, this Kansas City Homeowner:

Had his heart in the right place when he hung up this "display" of a decorating mishap. (No, it's not real). But he soon discovered that it might have been a little too realistic:

I would hear screech after screech in front of my house from people slamming on the brakes or quickly turning into my driveway and, many times, into my yard. I really needed to take him down as I'm sure there would have been wrecks...a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder, almost killed herself by putting it against the house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy).

As Murderati's Resident Redneck, I of  course,  have to share with you my favorite Christmas song, Robert Earl Keen's "Merry Christmas From the Family."

Happy Holidays Y'all!

Cover Me

by J.D. Rhoades

A few days ago, I was browsing in one of those big chain bookstores when a title on the "staff recommendations" shelf   caught my eye:

Two thoughts went through my head, one following hard on the heels of the other: (1) "Hmmm, that looks interesting," and (2) "If you are ever seen in public reading this book, you will be marked for life as the skeeziest middle-aged creep ever to walk the planet."

I didn't get the book.

Yes, I'm one of those people who  read in public. You can see us in the parks and restaurants, our meals or drinks barely tasted, our minds wandering in whatever world we've decided to carry with us to wherever we've come to rest. But as a public reader, I occasionally find myself leaving a book at home, even one I'm totally into, because of the cover.

I've heard that in Japan, it's not considered remarkable for middle-aged salarymen to openly read hard-core pornographic manga on the subway. But I can't imagine even sitting in Mac's Breakfast Anytime reading,  for example,

Or:

without drawing stares.

It was awkward enough the Christmas I opened a box at my in-laws' house and pulled out a gift from my sister-in-law:

 which resulted in those frozen smiles my mother- and father-in-law  always get when they're confronted with something even vaguely risque. (They are, to be fair, extremely nice people, but they don't know from hardboiled, much less noir).

It's not just the covers with steamy subject matter or scantily clad women. I don't go in much for self-help or self-improvement books (can't you tell?) and I've never read

But can you imagine reading it in front of a room full of people? And what would you think of someone reading one of these:

over their MegaMaxi Enchilada and ElGrande Nachos (with extra cheese) at Bob's Burrito Barn? Nothing complimentary, I'm thinking.

Culturally sensitive guy that I am, I once left

at home because I was paranoid about getting the stink-eye from the wait staff at the Peking Wok.

I'm sure that the science fiction fans among you are familiar with the phenomenon. SF and fantasy, after all,  are famous  for some of the cheesiest, worst-conceived covers ever. There are, of course, the types of fantasy covers that John Scalzi once summed up as "strippers with swords," but there are some classic SF covers that, shall we say, give one pause. Like these...

...which are, to put it mildly, Freudian as hell.

What do you think? Am I just being neurotic?  Do you read in public? Have you ever left a book home that you wanted to read because of the cover? Or do you just not give a damn? I'm particularly interested in hearing from the romance fans, who are used to stuff like this:

(Okay, that's not an actual title. It's from this great website of Romance Covers That  Never Were, which I recommend to all).

Hope all the US 'Rati have a happy Thanksgiving, and all our non-US friends...well, have a good Thursday!

Simplify, Simplify...Whoa, Too Much

by J.D. Rhoades

Our Louise wrote a great post yesterday about pitching your work to agents. One fine  nugget in that pile of golden advice was this: "boil it down to a conversational but tight 25-words-or-less."

You see a lot of advice telling you that you need to be able to describe your story in one sentence. This is known as "The Elevator Pitch", so named because it can be sprung on an unsuspecting  agent during that glorious moment when you have them trapped in a small confined space from which they can't possibly escape.

It's possible, however, to boil your Elevator Pitch down too far, to the point where you miss the point of the book entirely. A couple of examples (which I remember but cannot for the life of me tell you where I read them first):

• The Bible: God creates the world, then destroys it.
• Moby Dick: a one-legged man goes fishing.

Some of my own:

• The Odyssey: Soldier with terrible navigational skills probably should have asked directions.
• The Grapes of Wrath: Poor people are nice, but they get shit on a lot. 
• Macbeth: Ugly women screw with a nobleman's head for no discernible reason.
• The Great Gatsby: Rich people are interesting but crazy, and sometimes they shoot each other.
• Just about any Pat Conroy Novel: Dysfunctional Southern boy takes 700-plus pages to finally get around to telling you the Horrible Thing That Happened.
• Most of the later Spenser Novels: Tough but sensitive ex-boxer with annoying girlfriend cooks and solves mysteries with the aid of a black guy who scares the hell out of people.
• Rocky: Dumb guy with speech impediment gets the crap beaten out of him and still thinks he won the fight.

Some others from around the Internet:

• Remembrance of Things Past: Frenchman eats a cookie and remembers a lot of stuff.
• Batman: Wealthy man assaults the mentally ill.
• Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: deranged industrialist tortures and mutiliates young children.
• Waiting for Godot: Nothing happens. Twice.
• The Lord of the Rings: Little man gets a ring, then tries to throw it into a volcano.
• Dune: Rich kid and his mom get tossed into the  desert and become worm-riding jihadis.

So just for fun, take your own work or someone else's and craft an entirely unfair one sentence summary. Here, I'll start:

The Jack Keller novels by Yours Truly: Bounty hunter with severe mental health issues keeps blundering into bad situations.

Your turn...