Warning!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010 at 6:01AM in Louise Ure By Louise Ure
I’ve long been a fan of unexpectedly funny warning labels. Like the one on the chainsaw, telling you which end of the saw to hold.
Or this one, for a set of small screwdrivers.
Euuwwww. Where do they get the idea they need to tell us something like this?
I’m even more appreciative of the sly warnings like this one from a U.S. clothing manufacturer in 2006.
A blogger in England recently decided that warning labels also needed to be applied to newspapers and magazines, lest the reader be taken in by a product that did not perform as expected. His suggestions included:
I’ve taken his idea of warning readers a step further: I think we need warning labels on books. Come on … you know the vast majority of Americans don’t read the depth and breadth of fiction we do. They only know the names of the books on the front table at Barnes & Noble, or the title of a book that’s been made into a movie.
We could provide a list of resources and suggestions for them, sure. But wouldn’t it be more fun to warn them away from a purchase they won’t be happy with?
In the spirit of providing this community service, I’ve prepared a set of templates you can print out in the privacy of your own home (Avery labels 5162 in the U.S. and L7651 in the U.K.) and take down to your local book palace for use.
Slap this one on any of my books, or on Karen Olson’s first series. Those half dozen readers who complained so vocally to us would have appreciated it.
Or how about this one on any of the Stieg Larsson books:
I’m personally going to stick this one on the remnant copy of a certain book when the Warner Brothers movie comes out.
And I know a small army of people who would like to print out pages of this one:
This warning label belongs on most “literary fiction”:
And I think Fran at the Seattle Mystery Bookshop might agree with me that either the Angst label or this one should be affixed to the newest James Ellroy oeuvre:
My personal favorite though, is this one: a warning to prevent heaving books across a room:
TSTL is, of course, “too stupid to live”: a character trait found all too often in amateur detective crime novels.
So go ahead. Let me know which pdfs you want. Take ‘em to the bookstore. Future readers will thank you for your work today. But I can’t promise that booksellers or librarians will.
So what about you guys? What warning labels would you like to slap across a book? I’m at the ready to make the labels for you.
Reader Comments (44)
Wilder Publications warns readers of its reprints of the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, Common Sense, the Articles of Confederation, and the Federalist Papers, among others, that 'This book is a product of its time and does not reflect the same values as it would if it were written today.'”
That's wrong. However, I wouldn't mind seeing a label such as "Warning! Reading this book will cause you to lose track of time, ignore your responsibilities, and call in sick to work until completed." I just got the new CJ Sansom yesterday and wish I could do just that.
Sadly, those warning labels occur but it really did happen and the company learned about it probably through litigation. Some people *are *TSTL. How about a wallbanger alert: "Hazardous to walls when thrown with great force." "This is a BOOK: to be read and enjoyed not used as a threat against teens." "Green energy: This book powered by imagination."
Ok, I'm done. Can I call in sick?
WARNING: CONTAINS HIGH AMOUNTS OF VERBIAGE. PLOT NOT INCLUDED.
WARNING: THIS BOOK CONTAINS DIALOGUE THAT BEARS NO RESEMBLANCE TO THE WAY PEOPLE ACTUALLY TALK.
WARNING: SOME READERS OF THIS BOOK HAVE SUFFERED DAMAGE TO OCULAR MUSCLES FROM EXCESSIVE EYE-ROLLING
Started my day off with a larff:^))
NOW I can turn on the telly.
For your book labels?
Warning contains incomprehensible dialect and obscure regional references.
Can be used as a sleep aid
Or do not operate heavy machinery until you are sure of how this book affects you.
Book label suggestion - "Skip the parts in itallics."
Or, for those books (one of your almost hidden cover shots reminded me) where the author wrote a few good ones, but then started giving the heroine (and it's a different heroine in each book, not a series) the SAME backstory....(sigh). I vote for: Heroine might grow and change, author hasn't.
Or, for certain bestsellers-that-ought-not-to-be-bestsellers: This book is evidence that 1,000,000 people can most certainly be wrong.
Thanks for the chance to get my daily snark-fest out of the way early :)
Here's mine for THE STORY OF EDGAR SAWTELL.
WARNING: This book will suck you in, twirl you around a few times, and, in the end, spit you out when a whole bunch of folks act and die like idiots.
WARNING: Ending contains Deus Ex Machina to end problems without resolving plot. No sequel.
And THAT is why Stone Wolf by Seabrook is still the worst book I have ever read.
Or this one, on some other novel I disliked: WARNING: If this weren't a classic, no one would read it.
And the ultimate WARNING: The dog dies.
-----
The Consumer Product Safety Commission now requires a nausea bag to be included with the sale of this book.
Do not read in any area with breakable objects.
Do not read in the presences of small children - book causes spontaneous streams of profanity.
Decision to publish this book was made while using a controlled substance.
Do not listen to audio book while driving or operating machinery - book may cause spontaneous uncontrollable laughter.
This books is sold for use as a doorstop only.
This book is sold based on the author’s name, not quality of content.
I don't have any suggestions, but my book club just read The Story of Edgar Sawtelle. I didn't even realize until the book club discussion that it was based on the story of Macbeth. With a lot of other stuff thrown in. And yes, the ending. Ugh.
Here are some great additions to the above list:
http://languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu/nll/?p=2564
On The Last Child
Warning: This book ends.
On Rita Lakin's Getting Old is a Disaster
Warning: This book is meant for casual reading and relief of depression.
In any event, I think you will enjoy this: http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2010/07/05/100705sh_shouts_ephron
Wonderful post.
How about a warning label I'd use all the time:
"The writer of this thriller has undertaken no research whatsoever and any claims by the publisher about the 'authenticity' of this author's work should be taken with a large pinch of salt. Be prepared to overdose on testosterone by chapter ten."
On the book label front, I think Lorena wins:
"...for certain bestsellers-that-ought-not-to-be-bestsellers: This book is evidence that 1,000,000 people can most certainly be wrong."
I took a torts class in law school where the professor dedicated the entire class to warning labels...all courtesy of lawyers of course. You can find hundreds of them now, and someone paid dearly for that. (Failure to warn can be a tort...how stupid people can be is amazing.)
(Who am I?) Warning: this book was written by committee in 3 weeks and reads like it.
(Who am I?) Warning: This book is just like the last one and I still don't know who I am.
Warning: book contains patronizing male mentor who betrays young female protege (the other half of Dan Brown's books)
ok, too tired to be very funny this morning. Very enjoyable post.
PLEASE don't even get me started on Jilliane Hoffman. We'll be here for days.
My suggestion for a tag: WARNING: You're bigger than this. You're better than this. Put this stupid, overhyped book down. NOW.
Yeah . . . right . . . maybe for a Stegasaurus.
On a book:
WARNING: FICTION PARADING AS FACT
WARNING: STUPID STORY; WORSE WRITING.
WARNING: NOTHING GOOD WILL COME FROM READING THIS.
WARNING: COMMITTING HARI KIRI WOULD BE MORE FUN.
WARNING: THE ENDING SUCKS.
WARNING: DOESN'T LIVE UP TO ITS PROMISE.
WARNING: BEACH READ, SURE . . . IF YOU LIKE HURRICANES.
Now, I'm not cynical, and love most books I read. But . . .
WARNING: This is a "mystery" that does not actually function as a "mystery." The surprise ending will not be a surprise, and is not supported by anything preceding it. However, because the author is a renowned literary figure, and has read one Michael Connelly novel and watched at least three episodes of "Columbo," his publisher has given him a six-figure contract to write a complex who-dunnit, which reviewers have soiled their pants raving about, completely oblivious to the fact that the book works as a "mystery" about as well as a corkscrew works as a screwdriver.
I love it when you tickle our creative bones and have us experience The Joy of Writing.
Warning: Does not contain vampires, werewolves, or zombies. We apologize for the writer.
Warning: 4.3 trees died so you can impress people with the cover.
Warning: Reader using literary classic cover over latest from Harquelin.
Warning: No real people were harmed in the making of this book, just from reading it.
Warning: Reading has been found to increase intelligence and open minds to new ideas. This book, however, will suck IQ points faster than you can say ... what was I talking about?
Warning: Emotional roller-coaster ahead. Please make sure your seatbelt is securely fastened.
Warning: Opening this book may lead to addiction.
Buyer Beware: This excellent book, not being written by a famous author, will shortly be out of print and impossible to find. Buy early. Buy often.
Warning: Better than the film adaptation, but through no fault of the author's you will forever visualize the main character as ___________ (insert actor's name here).
Book jacket label? How about, "Excessive use may cause paralysis."
Can we also have "Warning: Read this one, skip the next in series and go immediately to book 3 (or four or whatever). Even good authors drop the ball sometimes."
Now I'm going to be making imaginary labels for all my books!
Great idea, Louise. I have always been behind social acting up.
BUT...... I don't agree with those who think that Larsson can't write. Common, People. Just who do we think we are here, hmmmmmnnnn?
But.....funnnnny stuff! Cracked me up.
Thanks a LOT for the French laundry label. That shines.
A guy at the newspaper had a six-inch inflatable parrot on his desk. There was a warning on it: Do not use as a flotation device. Huh??