God fucking damn it.
Friday, May 14, 2010 at 1:45AM
It's quarter to two in the morning, and I'm lying in bed in a guest room at my Aunt Julie's house in Vermont.
Just after midnight, I got the news that my father killed himself yesterday afternoon.
He struggled with mental illness for decades, and he owned nine guns. There is an awful sense of inevitability about all of this.
I am blessed that he and I had become friends again, over the last several years. He'd ceased all communication with me for twelve years before that, and I know his suicide would have been immeasurably harder for me to face had we not made peace with one another.
My heart goes out to my stepmother and to my half sister, who just turned seventeen.
Frederick Harvey Read, I will goddamn miss you.
Requiescat in pace.
Me and Dad on Bandicoot off Seawanhaka, circa 1967
Reader Comments (72)
aaaahhh Cornelia,
I don't know whether to offer a cyber (((hug))) or ask if you want to go and beat the freakin' crap outa something together...
Oh Cornelia, I'm so sorry to hear about your father.
God fucking dammit is about the only thing that springs to mind at a time like this.
Love and hugs
Thank you both so much. I'm in shock right now--numb. Tomorrow I'm going to be a fucking basket case, though.
God. Fucking. Damn. It.
Cornelia, I'm so sorry. That rat bastard. That wonderful tortured soul.
Oh just hell.
I'm sorry for your pain. My condolences to your step-mother and half sister.
It's three o'clock here and I don't think I'll sleep much tonight either.
God damned son of a bitch. May he rest in peace.
Sending love and hugs and strength.
I am so sorry, Cornelia. Know that you have support here but I'm hoping you also have some close by.
C. The photo is breathtaking.
I know what this all means for you and I am despondent. It is not an end. It is a beginning......the grand reopening of the Black Abyss of Despair, as you named it........too bad it isn't just about meeting a deadline anymore........that was not a wise choice of words........you know what I meant
You are in my thoughts and nightmares.
Everything makes me cry now. Just fucking everything. Can we please let the games END? IT'S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE GOD !!! Hey!! You THERE????
{{{Cornelia}}} May he be at peace now.
I'm so sorry, Cornelia. Hugs and love, D.
Thank you so much you guys, you are wonderful.
And I was so overwhelmed last night I thought it was Saturday, at midnight, which is why I posted this.
So sorry.
I'm stunned, Cornelia. I lost my father three decades ago and still feel the pain. But I can only imagine how you must feel right now.
I'm so sorry.
I hold you close today. And I will keep that beautiful photo in mind when I think about you and your father.
My heart is with you, Cornelia. Hold on to the love that was there, hold it tight.
I am so blessed to have you all in my corner.
So, so sorry, Cornelia. Definitely keeping you in my thoughts.
Cornelia, I am so, so sorry! We're keeping you in our thoughts and prayers today. xoxo
Cornelia - my dad did the same thing when I was twenty. I'm here for you, if you need someone to talk to, someone to listen. I'm so sorry.
I apologize for my profanity, if not the sentiment. It was late. I was tired. No excuse. The loss is not mine and that was inappropriate.
Suicide makes me deeply angry. Obviously.
Cornelia, again, I am so sorry for your loss.
I'm so horribly sorry for this awful loss, Cornelia. I'll be thinking of you, and please lean on any of us as you need to. You have friends here.
The story of a lifetime in one photo. Hold onto those memories and those thoughts. He has the air of Neal Cassidy. More anquish of the most difficult kind for you, I'm so sorry you have to endure this and whatever I (or the Murderati "we") can do to help you carry that burden, we will do. The hardest thing to let go of is to think you could have had some control over his thoughts and actions -- you did the best by bridging the gap to him and opening up that communication, which is a huge blessing. Be good to yourself now, let yourself grieve through this, and know that we love you and are here for you. So fucking unfair.
Cornelia, I'm so sorry for your loss and your family's loss. Devastating. Infuriating. But as you say, it's a huge great thing you were in touch again.
Please let your friends support where they can, and stomp flat any whisper of survivor guilt. That's the voice of the devil trying for a twofer.
I'm glad you have the photo--it's beautiful. I lost my close cousin to suicide and it hurt everyone in my family for a long, long time. My sincere condolences.
I'm so sorry to hear this for you, but I am thankful you were able to reconcile before it happened. Prayers are with you.
I wish I were a wise old nag rather than just an old nag, getting older. There are no answers, there are no reasons, there is no comfort in supposition. It's not about you, it's not about them; it's only about him and a pain he could no longer endure.
There is no blame, there isno if only, there is only what is. There is anger and hurt and guilt and there is love and loss and forgiveness. There is only today. There is strength in time passing and pain in getting to that point. And when you hurt beyond belief, remember, "This too shall pass."
All my love.
I'm sorry Cornelia. There are no good words. :(
Cornelia,
My thoughts are with you and your family.
That photo of you and him on the sailboat reminded me of when you first showed it to us, in that little guest cottage at your sister's house. It brings tears to my eyes.
huge hugs and lots of love,
Julie
Cornelia, I'm so sorry.
So sorry to hear this Cornelia. My inadequate thoughts are with you.
Terri
I'm so sorry to hear this.
Cornelia,
I am so sorry. I lost my father when I was five. I wish I could do more than offer just words. Take it a day at a time. We're all here for you.
All the best,
Helen
I'm so sorry, Cornelia. Take good care of yourself during this very difficult time.
I'm so, so sorry to hear this, Cornelia. My thoughts are with you.
I am just so damned sorry. Know you are so so so beloved, Cornelia.
Cornelia, all I can do is say I love you. And I'm immeasurably sorry.
Losing someone is the worst thing about living.
You came to terms with stuff a long time ago. And you will come to terms with this, with the anger and frustration and grief and all the rest of it.
You've got a lot of family out here whenever you need us.
I'm so sorry, Cornelia. I'm sending you a cyber hug. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I'm so sorry, Cornelia. Suicides are tough, with many conflicted emotions for the survivors. It's good you and your father had a chance to reconnect in recent years and have a relationship as adults. I know exactly what you mean by "awful sense of inevitability." My younger brother was a diagnosed schizophrenic with an affection for guns and it was just a matter of time before he took his own life. For me, it was an end to years of sibling abuse but that sense of relief had me tangled with guilt until I realized it was the illness and not him and I could forgive and move on. He's been gone nearly 25 years and it's still hard for my mother. I wish you and your family strength through this troubling time and peace for your father's tormented soul.
You know we're all here sweetie. The band, and individually, your friends, share this loss and mourn it. As I keep telling you, "you'll be okay". That's not what this is about, but you need to hear it, I would think. I know I would. The moon seems to be permanently stuck in ca-ca.
this is a great family. Take all the hugs you can get. We're here. We love you.
SAD ANORA...well we sorta don't rock lately. Time to work on some new lyrics and redo the bus. i hear plaid is in (oh gods no!)
I was so sorry to hear about this, Cornelia. You know that Andi and I have you in our thoughts and best wishes.
Stu
Cornelia - I am so saddened to hear about your loss. You and your family are in my prayers.
I'm so very sorry for your loss, Cornelia, for the way it happened. I hope you can find comfort and embrace as you work through the pain and the confusion. Many hugs to you.
Hugs and prayers going to you and your family, Cornelia. Sending a big cyber hug your way now. {TIGHT HUG}
There just aren't any words for this.
Big hugs, Cornelia.
So sorry, Cornelia. We'll be thinking of you.
I'm very, very sorry for your loss Cornelia. Lots of positive thoughts are coming your way.
Allison is right - I get the Neal Cassady vibe. So much in one photo. I'm so sorry, Cornelia. You are so very loved.
Peace be with you, Cornelia.
There is so much love and kindness flying through the ether right now, and I am honored to know all of you guys, in whatever ways our lives connect.
Thank you from the breadth and depth of my heart to everyone.
I'm going to drive home now to New Hampshire and tell my daughter the news. Just had lunch with a very dear cousin who also lost her dad recently, and it was wonderful to share stories about them, and then a third cousin called from LA.
I love everyone today. There is something so sublime when loss opens us all up to each other--that sense of nods around a firelit circle, all saying "yes, pain is woven through everything, and yet here we are, and there's splendor woven just as tightly."
Thinking of you, sweetpea. All my love to you.
I am so very sorry, Cornelia.
Oh Cornelia, I see you in his face in that dashing photo. I'm so sorry. It takes your breath away when someone goes fast like that with no time to prepare for the shock. The Murderati comments show how fully you're surrounded by friends who know you, love you, and care. I know what you mean about the relief of reconciliation - glad you had it. Much love and a hug.