Just Foolin‘
Thursday, April 1, 2010 at 5:09AM in Zoë Sharp
Before I start, for those of you who don’t know, the beloved husband Bruce of fellow Murderati member, Louise Ure, lost his battle with cancer this week and very sadly passed away. Our deepest sympathies go to Louise and all the family. I’m sure she’s been inundated with cards and notes and emails, but if anyone would like to make a small donation to a cancer charity in the name of Bruce Goronsky, that would be a lovely gesture.
This is not the post I was intending to write this week – that I’ll save for a later blog. It wasn’t until I looked at the calendar and clocked the date that I realised I was going to have to come up with something more suitable. What does it say about me that I end up with the April Fool’s Day post, I wonder?
So, I thought I’d report some facts that are definitely foolish, and should be untrue, but they aren’t. Or are they? I could have made up some of these – maybe even all of them. After all, we’re writers of fiction. Making Stuff Up is, after all, what we do.
I’m inviting you all to point out any which you think are made up, as opposed to genuine, or just to let me know a similar ridiculous fact that’s either made you laugh or want to throw things.
I should point out at this juncture that the ones I haven’t made up are all quoted from Simon Carr’s two wonderful collections, THE GRIPES OF WRATH, and SOUR GRIPES. If you don’t own copies, buy them now. I have also interspersed these with some great photos from the excellent Perfectly Timed Photos website. If you haven’t come across it before, it’s definitely worth a visit next time you need a pick-me-up.
Instructions for the Dumb
on Sainsbury’s Peanuts
Warning: This product contains nuts.
on Dremel Electric Rotary Tool
This product not intended for use as a dental drill.
on Rowenta steam iron
Warning: Never iron clothes on the body.
on smoke detector
Do not use Silence Feature in emergency situations. It will not extinguish a fire.
on Bowl Fresh
Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from the toilet.
on Harry Potter broom
This broom does not actually fly.
on Nytol Sleep Aid
Warning: May cause drowsiness.
on twelve-inch-high storage rack for CDs
Do not use as a ladder.
on vacuum cleaner
1 Do not use to pick up gasoline or flammable liquids.
2 Do not use to pick up anything that is currently burning.
on McDonald’s coffee
Warning: Contents may be hot.
on baby stroller
Remove child before folding.
on bottle of dried bobcat urine, made to keep rodents and other pests away from garden plants
Not for human consumption.
on hairdryer
Never use while sleeping.
on massage chair
Do not use without clothing … Never force any body part into the backrest area while the rollers are moving.
on flushable toilet brush
Do not use for personal hygiene.
Or how about these - true or false?
A four-foot-high boy of twelve tried to rob a grocery store armed with a sawn-off doubled-barrelled shotgun. He had no previous convictions. His lawyer said, “Since the offence his behaviour has been exemplary.”
The term British Isles is said to be offensive to those in the Republic of Ireland and it is proposed to rename them as the Islands of the North Atlantic (IONA).
In Australia, Pastor Daniel Scot was charged, tried and found guilty of incitement against Muslims for a lecture explaining why he had fled his home in Pakistan.
A nursery school teacher defended her class against a machete-wielding assailant; she received injuries requiring several hundred stitches and compensation of £80,000 ($112,000).
A woman police officer was held back from promotion on account of her gender and received compensation of £500,000 ($700,000).
A female merchant banker who was told she had “nice waps” by her employer received compensation of £1.2 million ($1.68 million).
A French couple called Renaud called their daughter Megane. The state prosecutor felt the child would be teased in later life for bearing the name of the Renault Megane car and so took them to court.
Insurance company Zurich Municipal produce an annual list of some of their more outrageous claims for compensation:
—a motorist who claimed he did not see a traffic roundabout in daylight, despite there being a large tree in the middle.
—a shoplifter who sued because she fell downstairs while running from the scene of a crime
—a man who claimed to have injured his arm after slipping on steps owned by a housing association: he had jumped out of a window to avoid being caught with another woman when his girlfriend returned home unexpectedly
—a man who tried to sue a local council for making the decision to close a public lavatory. He argued he was owed a new pair of trousers, for reasons you really don’t need me to go into, do you?
So, what do you think, 'Rati? Have I made all of these up, or none of them, or just a few? Do you have any similar ridiculous examples of political correctness gone mad, or the compensation culture, or risk assessments taken a step too far? Let's have 'em!
This week’s Word of the Week is dunt, which is a lovely word with several meanings. It’s either (of ceramics) to crack in the oven because of too rapid cooling; (in dialect) the disease of gid or sturdy in sheep; or (in Scots) a thump, or the wound or mark made by a thump.
Reader Comments (33)
I'd believe them all ... humans are on occasion stupid. As a group -- all the time.
I'm afraid to go to work this morning. My cubicle mate yesterday said April Fool's Day was her favorite holiday. I think I'm doomed.
And I can't spell this early. :)
PK, that cracked me up.
Zoë, I would tend to believe them all. (Well, the one with the teacher and the machete is questionable, obviously, but probably is the one that is true.) People can do the most insane things. Here's a link for a list of more warnings for the intellectually impaired.
They're probably all true.
Wanna know another new one? A guy insured his Cuban Cigars (I forget how many) against fire damage. After smoking them, he sued for his insurance money, because they'd been on fire, right? Well, he won, and the insurance company used that case to sue him for arson.
I have no idea what's true or not, but those pictures are PRICELESS!!!!
I think you made up all of the photos and none of the stories :)
The fact that they're all believable speaks volumes.
I have no idea which, if any, of these are made up, but they sure as hell are funny.
Thanks for the laugh.
Hi PK
Hang on, IS April Fool's Day a holiday?
I'm just intrigued by the idea of having a 'cubicle mate'...
PS - and did anything untoward happen at work?
Hi Toni
Thanks for the great link. I particularly liked this one:
"Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.
Erm, shouldn't that have been "Please keep OUT OF REACH of children."?
Hi Eika
Hmm, not sure if that one's true - but it was the subject of a song by the West Virginia philosopher, Brad Paisley:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BoBmCl-q_54
Hi Brett
They are damned funny pix, aren't they? And check out this one on Perfectly Timed Photos:
http://perfectlytimedphotos.com/perfectly-timed-photo/18693-spiderguin-spiderguin
Hi Stephen
Damn, you've found me out ...;-]
Hi Chris
So, not even a wild guess?
Hi Rob
Glad I could make you smile, although I think you still have a flip-top head from your movie-making experiences this week.
Can I have your autograph, mister?
I've seen quite a few of the warnings before, and a few of the real-life examples. The ones I don't recognize don't seem any stranger, so I'll go with "all true."
BTW, I finished reading FIRST DROP the other day. My first Charlie Fox. Great read. I think what I liked best was what was, for me, a reverse fish out of water effect: things i take for granted that Charlie wouldn't think of. (Like the first floor/ground floor thing, and what happens during spring break in Daytona.)
Plus, as someone who grew up 25 miles from the brewery in Latrobe PA, any reference to Rolling Rock is appreciated.
I'm pretty gullible so I'll believe most anything, but the product warnings? Yep, definitely believe all of them. And the lawsuits.
Just this morning, my daughter opened one of her birthday presents. It's a mermaid barbie and the hair changes color when it gets wet. This is a WATER TOY, yet Mattel feels the need to warn parents: "Do not use on surfaces that can be damaged by water."
One of the other warnings (I'm still getting used to the fact that Barbie toys have warnings.) "To avoid burns do not use water that is too hot, above 120F (49C)"
I figure that parents who don't test the temperature of their children's bath water before putting in the child probably wouldn't be reading Barbie warnings.
Hi Dana
Hmm, got ya thinking, hasn't it?
Really glad you enjoyed FIRST DROP. Spring Break in Daytona was a bizarre experience and I wanted to capture something of that in the book.
Hi Allison
Did you hear about the new Divorce Barbie? It costs $500, but comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's yacht...
When we built our house a few years ago, we were told by the building control people that we'd just snuck the plans in ahead of a new regulation which would force us to install thermostatically-controlled bath taps.
Sometimes I think we must be protected from ourselves at all costs, but I think you're quite right about the parents who wouldn't read the warnings or test the water. They're usually the ones with half a dozen kids rolling round inside the car, none of them wearing seatbelts.
I'm not an author, just a reader, but I loved your books so much, I even got some from England. This blog was just a hoot, and I too believe them all. Human beings (and instructions) never cease to surprise me. Thanks for the pleasure.
Hi Lil
Thank you so much for stopping by - and please never say you are 'JUST a reader'. You are the people we value most highly, and authors are usually also voracious readers. Besides anything else, without readers, authors are just talking to the breeze ;-]
OK folks, time to come clean - they're all true. Every single one of them.
It's an illogical world, isn't it?
I figured they were all true - and I adore the photos. I'm telling you, Z, you've got a great mind!
Knew I couldn't fool you, JT ;-]
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