To Vegan or Not To Vegan...
Sunday, August 9, 2009 at 4:00AM in Toni McGee Causey
Is alcohol vegan?
See, it started innocently enough. Not long ago I was at a conference, where I met up with a dear friend who’s recently become vegan. And let me tell you, she looks gooooooooood. Like ten years younger, thinner, prettier. She glowed, people. All glowy with the good. I, being no dummy, immediately asked what in the hell had she done? Who had she sold her soul to and where could I line up?
Then she told me she’d become a vegan.
Now, at this point, I had had exactly one (1) appletini. 
(It was my first, ever, and let me just say for the record that it is a damned good thing I am too lazy to learn how to spell “appletini” much less make them, because otherwise? This blog would be brought to you by the letters J A I and L.) Anyway, in the warmth and happiness of said appletini, “vegan” didn’t sound so scary.
It was the second appletini where I sort of lost my mind, because “vegan” actually started to sound easy. I could feel better and get healthy and lose weight and be proactive, all in one move. Lots less choice of things to eat, but hey, that just simplifies life, right? Simplification is good. Smart. I even hauled out my iPhone and started recording her suggestions of what I could eat and in that moment, I knew I could pull this off. This was going to be great! I only sort of worried when “tofu” featured prominently on a couple of her menu suggestions, but I then realized (and this was the part of my brain which was suggesting I have another appletini) that hell, I eat crawfish. How traumatizing could tofu be?
I was allllllll the way back in the hotel room before I had the epiphany: Cheetos are not vegan.
I think I might’ve broken the world record for “fastest failure of a diet.”
The thing is, it works for her. Really works.
But it would never work for me. I don’t have the same inclinations, the same desire, or enough patience. [I am not exactly the most patient of people.] [I know, I know, that comes as a HUGE shock to you all. Buck up.]
I do know what works for me: plain old exercise. Boring, non-glamorous, just-do-it walking and weights. Doing these things consistently.
Oh, but that other method was tempting, partly because she’d had quick, amazing results. Partly because it seemed kinda cool to be able to say, “I’m vegan.” Like wearing a costume or stepping into some other role.
It’s tempting, isn’t it, to try to fit into a slot that someone else does well, which is clearly successful? It’s like, “Well, since they know what they’re doing and that works, maybe that’s what I should be doing, too.”
Trying to be “like” someone else, trying to write like someone else, trying to write “to the market” – are probably the most destructive choices a writer can make.
It’s great to learn from others. It’s a smart move to see how someone else accomplished something and analyze what they did and why. But the next step after that is to then see how it fits you—your life, your experiences, your style. Your voice. And then choose what works for you. Not how you can contort yourself to fit into what others do, but what you would like to use of what they do to enhance your own voice.
What do you bring to the table? Who are YOU? Value that. Look at it carefully and appreciate it, because it is your gift. It is what will make your characters and your story and your plot unique. Your take on the world, how you see it, your perspective.
Me? I am, at my best, a hopeful cynic. I am pretty sure that there are people out there who are not only going to shoot themselves in the foot, 
but they’re going to reload and aim at the other foot. I am hopeful, however, that they will miss at least one of those times. It is the suspense of watching that in action which fascinates me. It is how I frame the world, how I make sense of what is happening around me, how I communicate and function. [If it helps, I had written two books before I was able to explain that.]
Be authentically you. That’s who we’re going to want to get to know. That’s who we’ll value.
In the meantime, tell me at least one thing you’ve done in your life which just did not “fit.” (C’mon. I cannot be the only person who’s tried a diet or [and no, I am not posting a photo] gone blonde.) What harebrained thing have you done?
Writing, diet, vegan, voice, writing style 
Reader Comments (147)
I was never comfortable wearing an earring.
I've been thinking about this a lot, out in L.A. - what are the stories that only I can tell, that grow out of the experiences I've had before I got here that won't sound like the pitches from all the other writers in town.
That's how I ended up with a WIP about a 13-year-old math whiz who takes a job as a drug dealer's accountant so she can stay in her private school. And people respond to it, I think because it's authentically me.
As for not fitting, about every 5-7 years, I bleach my hair out and try to be a "blond". Never works, but hope and boredom spring eternal.
Dude, Cheetos have CHEESE in them? No way...
Toni, it's admirable, really, how you take one for the team, showing us all your foibles, all to make teachable moments. Love the appletini story!
I keep thinking I'm more agile than I am, with the results of a multitude of bumps and bruises from trying to ride a bike, trying to learn how to dismount a horse, and trying to roller skate. They now know me all too well at the local ER, and always ask if I feel safe at home. I tell them as long as there's someone there to save me from myself, I do.
cornrows. Just couldn't pull that off.
:0)
(loved the bathtub filled with Cheetos)
Nothing yet, but I'm trying to think of something to try.
Form a relationship with a man ten years younger. It was great for a while but.... I was past going to clubs four times a week until six in the morning and then going to work. After a couple of years I was worn out and realised this relationship was going NO WHERE fast - there's a big age gap in maturity between a 32 year old female and 22 year old male. Oh dear....
I'm a runner wanna-be. Not only do I not find it fun to run by myself, but I don't have the knees for it. But I love running in groups and for a few years I lurked on the marathoner threads at runners world. I really wanted to be that person but after my first and only half marathon, I realized I didn't have it in me.
Thank goodness for yoga and hiking!
The list is long and varied... though a conformity I did that I've always regretted was removing the piercing in my internal ear cartilage (right next to the face.) I adored that tiny little hoop, but when we moved to Nashville and I was trying to fit in, I took it out. It's one of those that heals up quickly, by the time I'd changed my mind I couldn't get it back in. But it was a great metaphor for how much of a pleaser I'd become. Screeching halt on worrying about what others thought came soon after.
Dusty, that is something I would so love to see.
Karen... "showing us all your foibles" -- heh. I have so many. They might as well be put to work over here. And OW. One of my sons once suggested I needed a personal bubble-wrap costume just to navigate down the hallway.
Angelle -- what a great hook -- a 13 year old math whiz who becomes a drug dealer's accountant so she can stay in her private school. Now that is very intriguing! Great job.
Cornelia, DO NOT BURST MY BUBBLE. We are living on pretendsies over here.
Karen... [cracking up]... yeah, I wanted cornrows once. That lasted for about 2 seconds.
Get busy, Sara. You've gotta lotta crazy mistakes to make. You don't wanna miss out on the horrifying photos, the public humilia... wait...I don't think I'm arguing this point right. hmmm.
Alli, heh. But you survived it. And probably have some really interesting... ah... perspectives there. ;)
ckwebgirl... yep, not a runner here, either. Or a hiker. I'm more of a treadmill (with a fan on) kind of girl. And a TV.
JT, you reminded me of a girl I saw in a bookstore with both her cheeks (face) pierced right in the center of each cheek. The piercings pulled them in, like tufted pillows, and she had short blonde pigtails and was dressed in a non-goth way, very cute jeans. And I had to stop her and talk to her, because she was so pretty, and unusual, and she was also very funny. She was 17. I told her, I'll bet a lot of adults tell you to get rid of those piercings, and she nodded and rolled her eyes. I told her I hope she kept them for as long as she wanted them--they were so unique and she was so memorable. It would be a shame to lose that.
JT, would you get that ear pierced again now? Or has that time passed?
I've geared up to get it re-pierced several times. One little problem - It HURT like a mofo when I did it the first time. But I may think about it, I'm about to be near a really excellent studio. I'll let you know if I go through with it again.
I love that you showed that girl encouragement instead of horror. I bet she's still talking about it.
Toni, Toni, Toni -
I spent a good 35+ years of my life doing things that didn't fit me. Married a man who didn't fit me intellectually. Divorced him and married one who didn't fit me emotionally (he was on a different path - the one marked "Socio"). Tried scuba diving, skiing, rollerskating, running... none of which fit me. At 38, I found the guy who made me feel calm when I'm around him. We've been married for 17 years. When I was 45, he gave me horseback riding lessons for my birthday, and from the moment I took the brush to old Buddy's back, my blood pressure felt lower. I now own two horses. Oh, and when I was 44, he gave me a laptop for Christmas, and now I'm a writer. So it finally all fits. (But secretly, I'd love to be a runner, if it wasn't for the shin splints.)
Gayle
http://gaylecarline.blogspot.com
Gayle, you made me smile. And ditto the thorough love of horses -- I really need to figure out how to fit riding back into my life. I have no room to own a horse... maybe I can find a place to keep one nearby.
(Kudos to your guy. He sounds wonderful.)
Toni, tons of horse owners are offering half leases right now, as a way to cut some of the expense of owning horses - you'd be able to ride and enjoy the same horse for a certain amount of time/week but wouldn't have the ongoing expense and responsibility for care/maintenance.
Something I have tried many times w/o success - organized religion. It started when I was 9 years old and was told my beloved black nanny couldn't come to our church. I'm a fairly spiritual person so over the years I've tried different churches hoping to find a place I felt comfortable - but it never works.
My church now is the barn. I go out there and everything feels possible, I feel centered, and there's a sense of the holy that I have never found in a "real" church.
Here's a link to vegan Cheetos:
http://www.postpunkkitchen.com/forum/viewtopic.php?id=56889
Oh, there are so many answers to your question . . .
Taking an intensive 3rd year Chinese class in the summer where all the other students were brilliant and spoke at least some Chinese in their homes already.
That one nearly gave me an ulcer; I ended up dropping out.
Um . . .
Pretending to be cute and ditzy for a guy.
That lasted about two weeks and it was horrible.
Sex -- even great sex -- isn't worth that.
The Ure Doctrine of Food would be: "If it fits on a tortilla, it is food."
And the unlike-me thing was to attempt skiing. I used the ski pole to gore the man who was coming to save me on the bunny slope.
Hat tip to Gayle for the line: "he was on a different path - the one marked 'Socio.'" Best blog comment ever.
You know - I don't think I do this. People are always looking at me cross eyed because I'm usually the one doing some ridiculous thing they'd never considered before - FIRST. Then they see that the universe did not implode upon itself, and BAM! Everybody's living off of soup for a month (honestly, I do such things, like 98% fat free broccoli soup with graham crackers, because that's what's in the pantry and who feels like dealing with the grocery store??? Who knew it would taste so good...)
Oh, the list of things I've tried, from a curly perm (bad, bad move -- poodle hair is just not me) to thinking I could eat lutefisk (no one can, I don't care what people say), to being traditionally married (which is a huge mistake when you're really gay).
But you know, I can always look back and say "Yeah, I DID try it". Even if it was an epic failure. Like skiing. Oh my. Who knew you could scoot down a hill on your butt with long pieces of wood attached to your feet because you can't get the long pieces of wood back under you where you're told they belong?
Loved the hot toddies in the lounge, though. So there's always an upside.
Harebrained is just my default setting.
Being non-authentic however...most cringe worthy moment was letting my little sister guide me in what I should wear to her wedding in San Diego at the Navy golf course. I based my 'trust'(acceptance of wearing satin skirt and top with some hideous tail scooping thing that goes way beyond your average fashion crime, into fashion crime spree it was so bad, especially on someone 5 foot 3) on it being 'her' wedding...oh and her telling me that everyone else would be dressed to the 'nines'. People dressed like anyone would here in Australia, and I felt like the mutant Aussie sister of the bride. At least the bridemaids had a decent excuse.
Fran, I just skip the skidding down the mountain on the butt part, and just pull up a chair next to the fireplace, armed with a hot toddy and a good book. And then laugh at everyone else coming in frozen and sore.
I agree, Gayle's comment was the funniest ever!
Oh, I SO forgot the spiral perm inspired by Nicole Kidman in Days of Thunder. THAT was possibly the worst idea evah. Thanks for reminding me, Fran : )
Just got back from seeing Julie and Julia, which, ironically, completely fits the theme of the blog today. I enjoyed the movie, because Meryl Streep is such a triumph.
billie -- I had not looked into half-leases, but after your comment, remembered that there is a stable not far away--I'm going to go investigate over there. Thank you!
I have become the same with regard to organized religion. I grew up with it, chose it for a long time, and moved away from it over the years. I cannot go back. My church, if I have one, it probably through the lens of the camera and the written word.
Karen, that cracked me the hell up. Actual Vegan Cheetos. Wow. I am saved. ;)
Pari, no truer words are ever spoken about pretending to be a ditz. So not worth it. No matter how great the sex.
But I am impressed you at least *tried* Chinese. That's one of those things that I'd love to do (in theory), but know I don't have the patience to practice.
Louise, you're so right--funniest line ever goes to Gayle. ;) And yikes--the ski pole incident. We go to Colorado to visit the oldest son and everyone asks if we ski. I have no desire to throw myself off the side of a mountain so I can slide to my death or fund an orthopedic surgeon's next vacation getaway. The most I do is tromp through the white stuff from the car to their home. (Which has a lovely view.)
Skeptic -- you are an innovator, which is fun.
Fran, you crack me up, with the "which is a huge mistake if you're really gay." It's funny how we can be something so fundamental and not really either see ourselves or admit to ourselves who we really are and what we really want. But you've got an amazing marriage now (which I've seen you mention), so you've come through to a very good place, and I think that's wonderful.
Man, I had one of those Days of Thunder perms, too. Nicole Kidman has a lot to answer for, is all I'm saying.
Oh, Catherine! How on earth did you keep from killing your sister right there? ;) She might not've made it into her own wedding had she been my sis.
Karen, we will sit in the lodge together with our hot toddies and warm feet and take photos as the rest of the frozen stumble in.
Yeah, I tried the vegan thing. It lasted about a day.
Toni, yes I death and or maiming were options that circled and swooped in between 'you'll never see most of these people again', 'it's not about you', and then back to death and maiming. Let's say I was looking at some of those dry hills a little too speculatively.
I do have that outfit to thank for another embarrassing moment though. Later that evening after the reception we went to a tiny little karaoke bar in some industrial estate. While I was ordering another margarita the 'tail' of the outfit and my shoe entwined. I lurched forward and just reached out to grab hold of anything that could break my fall. Managed to get not quite a handfull of her ex boyfriend's crotch.
In hindsight there were plenty of clues why trusting this particular sister's judgement is reckless. Our entire childhood should of been the heads up...and then finding that she's invited an exboyfriend to her wedding...awe inspiringly unwise. Trusting her just does not fit.
I ate vegan for almost five years. All the soy I consumed totally screwed up my hormones, to the point I still can't eat it without messing myself up (even tho I'm now well past menopause).
I had steak fajitas for lunch today. Does that tell you anything?
R.J. -- thank you. It's nice to know it's not just me.
Catherine-- wow. I think an almost "handfull of her ex boyfriend's crotch" moves right up there with Gayle's "Socio" path comment as one of the all-time best. But she sounds like she'd be *great* source material for a book. Or ten. :)
Lisa -- heh. I had steak fajitas, too. Woman after my own heart. (And wow, I did not know that soy could mess someone up like that. Learn something new every day.)
You all are hysterical. Thanks, I needed that.
Fran, thank you! I'm going to tell my mom I am NOT the only one who thinks lutefisk should be permanently banned from the food pyramid. Lutefisk was the main dish of the traditional colourless dinner every Christmas Eve of my childhood, along with mashed potatoes, lefse (which I LOVE) and rice pudding. We have refrigerators now, and grocery stores -- yes, even way up north in Minnesota. There is No Need to eat things just because they can survive winter unscathed.
Although... maybe Cornelia should lay in a supply of lutefisk for February. Just in case.
For those who don't know, lutefisk is cod fish cured in lye. It is then cooked in such a way that it becomes a fetid gelatinous mass. Actually, it doesn't really matter HOW you cook it, the result is always the same. If you decide to try it at home in spite of sage advice, make sure you have at least two operational windows, for cross-ventilation.
Fish jello. That's my impression of lutefisk, and there's just no way it's food. It's not even bait.
And thank you, Toni, yes, you're absolutely right. I'm happily married now (albeit in a limited California sort of way), and I've never looked back.
yuuuuummmmm, gelatinous.
Toni thanks. I bow before Gayle's pithy socio comment though.
As for my sister, I think writing inspired by her would be cheaper than therapy.
Also sorry it's taken a couple of coffees for my brain to engage today....totally loved your third book. Everything I said about the second book in regards to careful layering while maintaining pace, to the power of ten. I like the deepening emotional aspects too.
I just cannot even wrap my mind around the concept of lutefisk. Cured in lye. LYE. That is just... inconceivable. To have to put up with snow AND lutefisk seems inhumane. And I thought southerners were crazy. ;)
Wow, Catherine, thank you. I am thrilled. Seriously, of the three, I really love the third the best, and not just because it's the latest one. It was, perhaps, the most fun to write, but the darkest of the three. And craziest, if that's possible.
Toni:
So sorry I got to this party, late. Vegan? You were thinking about going, Vegan? Do I need to haul ass to LA and beat you over the head with a really thick juicy filet mignon?
Your 'dewy, thin' friend is on the brink of keeling over from iron and vitamin deficiency.
That said, I was a Gaslight Girl. I was a Cabaret Singer in a nightclub in Chicago that compared itself to the Playboy Club, but if the 'Bunnies sang'. I stuffed myself into a skimpy outfit with tennis socks plumping up my cleavage, Unfortunately for my audience at the time, I had a terrible voice. Maybe the socks and the cleavage made it worth their while.
I've done so many harebrained things it's hard to choose. I guess deciding at age 61 that I could write a mystery and get published is one of the craziest. Or maybe it was last summer's project to compost kitchen fruit and veggie scraps with earthworms...
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I'm still trying to figure out whether a naked lady in a bathtub of Cheetos is alluring or disturbing.
Every day is a day to reinvent yourself. I'm on day 72 of being a new vegan and Loving it!
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