Fear of Ice Cream
Tuesday, October 27, 2009 at 6:00AM in Louise Ure
By Louise Ure
Gelatophobia. Okay, I know it doesn’t mean Fear of Ice Cream, but gelatophobia is what I’ve got. The fear of being laughed at.
(For the moment, I’m going to ignore the topic of words that don’t look like what they really mean. "Gelatophobia," for one. "Rosacea," for another. It should be a beautiful Latina’s name instead of a skin desease. But that’s a blog theme for another day.)
Unlike our Rob, whose video rendition of “Mandy” in last week’s blog post proves he does not suffer from this malady, gelatophobia has shaped me in ways that I could never have imagined.
And I blame it all on the circus.
We weren’t big on family outings when I was growing up. We had one driving vacation as a family and that was to Disneyland and San Diego. I got a nail in my foot at Disneyland and got picked up by the cops as a lost child in San Diego.
I remember only one family dinner in a restaurant and that was a Bob’s Big Boy. My mother learned her lesson after that. I’ll bet the waitress still has nightmares.
And then there was the circus. All five of us kids were lined up like jaybirds on the sixth row of bleachers, close enough to smell the elephants, far enough away that everything still looked like magic. I was enthralled.
Until the clowns came out, of course. Six of them crawled out of a car the size of a pram and began honking and squirting and big-foot flopping all over the ring. One clown with a bright red nose held an oversized camera, the old-fashioned kind with an accordion baffle and flash bulb on top. He looked high and low through the crowd and settled on me as his partner.
Feeling fully justified in taking my place in the center ring, I proudly joined him in the arena. He fussed and primped and tsk-tsked, all the while making sure I was posed correctly. Then he stood back and clicked the shutter release.
Somehow, with his fertile imagination and hand gestures, he got us to believe that that bulky old Kodak had morphed into a new fangled Polaroid and it spit out the picture …
... of a donkey.
I have hated clowns ever since, but have lived in greater terror of the sound I heard that day – the full-throated, cackling derision of people laughing because I was the butt of their joke.
I’ve rarely been on the opposite side of that feeling. I don’t laugh at pratfalls or choose to see pie-in-the-face comedies. I don’t make fun of people’s looks or mistakes (unless the mistakes are grammatical or the attitudes suggest that uniquely evil combination of arrogance and ignorance).
And I don’t go to the circus anymore.
But I realized that my gelatophobia had colored other areas of my life as well. Take sports, for example.
I tried to ski once and wound up goring a would-be rescuer with my pole as he came to save me on the bunnyslope. I gave up running after coming in second in a relay race. You'll never see me on a karaoke stage.
Stupid, I know. But there you are.
On the other hand, I was awarded with immediate praise when I first started painting with oils, I took naturally to the ballet-like stretches of Pilates, and flying a plane seemed like second nature to me. Those continued to be hobbies and habits for a long time.
Which brings me to writing, of course.
I wrote my first book in five months after accepting a dare from a friend. I credit my writer’s group for that initial rush of praise; had they been less fulsome, I would have abandoned it in a nanosecond. The early success of securing an agent and selling the book when it was finally done sealed the deal.
I never would have/could have been one of those writers with six manuscripts in a box under the bed; one of those writers who aspire, who practice, who get better and better with no recognition of their talent but their own unflagging determination and belief.
I admire them – those with hearts much stronger and surer than my own – those people who try and fail and get up to try again. Even if they're on the receiving end of the literary equivalent of that crowd's laughter.
Think it’s too late for me? Is sixty too old to start competitive diving?
LU
Reader Comments (164)
Louise
You're a constant source of inspiration - and no, sixty is never too old. Dive all you want! Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional ;-]
Love gelatophobia, by the way, and would add guemophobia - fear of taste, frigophobia - fear of cold things, and consecotaleophobia - fear of chopsticks.
Is sixty too old for diving? Absolutely not. Diving is easy. Landing is hard.
Zoë, "consecotaleophobia" is a keeper! Fear of chopsticks! I wonder if it's a particularly Asian or Western ailment?
And yeah, Dana, it's that landing I should fear. That sounds like a couple of cops in an old black and white movie. "Did the fall kill him?: "No, the landing did.'
Louise, I always loved the line (even delivered by Tom Cruise, of all people) in response to, "Oh my God, you killed him!"
"No, I shot him. Bullets and the fall killed him."
And if you took to Pilates and flying with ease, then diving should be no problem for you. It's essentially falling with grace, and you seem to do everything else with grace, so why not? As far as hating being laughed at, I see where you're coming from. I don't worry about it anymore (couldn't teach HS if I did), but I was painfully shy when I was a kid, so being laughed at was a tremendous fear of mine too. That and spiders or bees, or pretty much anything else with more than 4 legs.
Hey, I never said it was a RATIONAL fear like yours....
:D
Jake, that Tom Cruise line puts the lie to the slogan "Guns don't kill; people do." And boy, do I understand a fear of bugs.
"Falling with Grace" would make a great book title.
Loved your post this morning, Louise. I don't have the fear of being laughed at, but I do carry the shame of having laughed at someone else. When I was sixteen, I and a friend were completely stoned and eating at a Bob's Big Boy (by the way, I used to work at a Bob's Big Boy when I was in high school!) and we saw a boy who--we thought--looked exactly like the plastic boy out front, holding the big hamburger. We laughed about the resemblance, not realizing that the boy and his mother could hear us. She came up to us in the middle of the restaurant and berated us for laughing at her son - saying that she hoped that someday we would know the feeling of being laughed at in public. It was a horrifying experience for me, and I'm sure it was worse for the boy. I'm very proud of the boy's mother, for having the guts to stand up publicly like that for her son--her actions have stayed with me my entire life. But, boy, I wish I could find her now and apologize; apologize to the boy. I wonder what that might have done to his personality, what I was responsible for. It's a big source of shame for me, and I've never laughed at anyone since then. I'm very sensitive to that.
Stephen, there's that gentle soul of yours shining through again.
Your note suggests another blog post for another day: What have you done that you would most like to apologize for? I have a half dozen candidates in mind already.
Competitive diving? We could start you off with swimming in the San Francisco Bay before getting you to do some backflips off of the railing of Pier 39 or Pier 7. Your choice :-P
Fear of being laughed at... completely understood but I love Zoe's note on fear of chopsticks. Who knew?
If people are laughing at you, laugh with them. We're all essentially ridiculous.
For those of you who haven't met Sylvia ... keep in mind that she swims the Alcatraz to San Francisco race... in ice cold water. Talk about starting with the worst of the "Too Hard" basket!
Backflips, Sylvia? I'm there. If only it didn't require wearing a swimsuit in public. That's Gelatophobia incarnate.
No one in my family has a fear of chopsticks (although I'd love to learn how to pronounce that!), but my daughter has always had this weird fear of ants (Myrmecophobia). We're not quite sure where that came from.
I do understand the fear of being laughed at. I don't dance in public or sing karaoke, having been told at a young age that I am unable to do those things. Amazing how these things just stick and never go away.
However, with a little help from Xanax at my first book event, I got over my fear of speaking in public. Although I still don't like to speak in work meetings.
If you swim on your birthday Louise, you don't get to wear a swimsuit.
My niece had a fear of vaccum cleaners. I wish I had a fear of forks and all things fried.
This past week on the Amazing Race, one team lost because one of the teammates had a fear of heights and a fear of water. And the challenge was to go down a rather steep 6-story waterslide into a pool full of sharks (well, through a tube surrounded by sharks). Rather than overcome her fears, she forfeited the $1 million prize and didn't do it. I'd be surprised if she and her boyfriend are still together.
A) All clowns should be thrown into pits full of scorpions
B) 'New tee shirt slogan...."Sixty is the new 30"
Go ahead and dive Louise, you can only truly regret the things that you never tried.
[But wear a swimcap. Chlorine is hell on your hair.]
Karen :0)
I. Hate. Clowns.
Fear of public speaking was my bugaboo, but I've overcome it. If I can get past that, you can do anything. And I don't think you're ever to old to seek a new challenge.
Laugh with them, J.D.? That sounds far too adult and well-balanced.
Karen O, how could I have forgotten Dancing in Public? Another of those things I only tried once and was rather publicly humiliated. And on your Amazing Race comment: I think it's sad that a show that profits so greatly from exploiting phobias is so successful. Plus I'm too squeamish to watch it.
Sylvia, a Fear of All Things Fried would help me immensely. As would a Fear of Sloth.
Karen from Mentor, those are wise words. I hope I the end of life to think back on all the things I tried, not those I didn't. Right now, I'd say I'm about even.
JT, your concerns about public speaking still astound me. You don't show the fear, and you're really, really good in public speaking engagements.
(And I'm so glad we agree about those fucking clowns.)
People were LAUGHING at me? (I certainly hope so.)
Seriously, I long ago came to the conclusion that I don't give a shit what anyone but a few select friends and family think about me. No matter what I do, somebody's bound to be laughing at me anyway. Just as I have no control over what some people think of my writing skills, I have no control over what people think of me personally. So, short of being a complete asshole, why worry about it?
Bottom line: please yourself. Laugh at yourself. Enjoy yourself. Celebrate your talent. And harm no one.
Rob ... you and J.D. are sounding much too sane. Too confident. Too happy. Too right.
(And I think you did a great job on Mandy.)
I'm having too much fun with this today... from http://www.phobialist.com/ there are some real doozies out there!
Geniophobia- Fear of chins.
Genuphobia- Fear of knees. (mine or someone else's?)
Omphalophobia- Fear of belly buttons.
Oh Louise, this post made me sad. Shame and humiliation are horrible feelings. I hate it that the fear of ridicule would stop you, or anyone else, from trying new things.
I know there are people who find me ridiculous and pitiable on a fairly regular basis. I say things that I think are funny or clever, thoughtful or intelligent -- when apparently they're just not. According to some. I try to keep in mind there are people who appreciate me and who don't mock me when I fail and leave it at that. It's not easy.
Unfortunately, the people who would truly benefit from feeling a heaping dose of shame now and then seem impervious to it.
And good grief, woman, age has nothing to do with it. It's never "too late" to attempt something new. Don't judge yourself on whether your efforts result in success or failure, but on whether you were courageous enough to risk both. I think you are.
Dive in! Just, you know, make sure the pool has water in it.
Fear of chins? Fear of bellybuttons? I begin to worry about the prospects for our survival if these are the kinds of things we fear.
And BCB, you certainly understand the dilemma. I don't like the fact that fear of ridicule holds me back. But the older I get the less concerned I am about that. Here's to old age.
I think laughing at someone, making them the butt of a joke they hadn't intended on being a part of is a particularly cruel and heinous trait, and when I see people who do that regularly, I want nothing to do with them. That's a vicious streak, there. It's like bullies who torment someone, then ridicule them for not being able to take a joke--a double whammy that just piles on the cruelty.
I don't mind putting myself out there for people to laugh. Hell, I tell the breast milk story at some of my talks and see people doubled over (and some completely mortified), and it's funny. I enjoy public speaking, and I used to be on a dance team. There is nothing on this earth that will cure you of being embarrassed faster than having to stand out in the freezing ass cold weather in a skimpy little dance costume and perform, and be the one who has to start the ripples (multiple ripples) that you yourself choreographed... only to completely mess up and lead everyone else in the wrong direction. You find out after all that you actually don't die of embarrassment and later, you laugh. I like to sing, and I'm certain I'm barely average.
It's kinda sad that we've become a country of people who care too much to just enjoy life.
Life is too short to worry about what anyone else thinks. I'm going to have fun and I'm going to enjoy myself. This isn't a dress rehearsal--and I want to look back later and know I did the things I wanted to do.
"It's kinda sad that we've become a country of people who care too much to just enjoy life." I agree, Toni, and yet I am part of that army.
Can I blame this on American Idol? The syndrome that it's not enough to just enjoy the activity, but we must actively compete with each other for praise/mastery/prizes for it?
My daughter is still afraid of clowns and mascots! I'm with you on the fear, although I will always write for myself and/or others :)
Makes sense, Jemi. Mascots are just big-headed clowns!
I loathe clowns (Pennywise made sense to me; clowns are evil, why deny it?), April Fools Day and the Three Stooges. Any banana-peel slip pratfall has me staring stonily. They're just mean.
And that's what I discovered I don't like about things like your circus experience, Louise. They're mean. I have no patience or tolerance for that.
See, I was the shy one who stuttered when she had to speak in public when I was in school. It was awful. Then I learned "act as if" and to laugh at myself, and a lot of stress went away. Act as if I'm not embarrassed when I do something dumb since everyone does it. And laugh at myself when I do, because I bet I look silly. It's gotten me through some awkward moments.
I'm so profoundly grateful you didn't have a negative introduction to your writing. The world would be a much less wondrous place without your novels in them!
Fran, you are a joy. OK. From now on I'm going to "act as if."
I hate clowns, too. When a friend of mine went to clown school, he came out a much more bitter person - I couldn't believe the change in him.
Fear of being laughed at - got over it in theater. It was just something else you would have to take and use as part of the improv. Useful life lesson.
I was demoralized after reading my first snarky Amazon review. Then I went to John Grisham's page and saw dozens and dozens of them and realized that success is the best revenge.
Alex, I wonder what it is about clown training that makes one a more bitter person? All that being laughed at, I'll bet. Maybe I should take a lesson from your theater training: it's okay to be laughed at if you're pretending to be someone/something else.
I'm with you, Patty. Success can quiet those jibes.
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